so.

So.  I was going to use October as a warm-up month to NaBloPoMo, but I fucked it up on day one.  Between the economy tanking, the vp debate, work sucking big at the moment, and a midterm tonight, I punted and curled up on the couch with Manly instead.  Oh, and everyone wave hello at cycle #33 which started today, I’m sure we’re all happy to add another one to the list.

With all that going on, obviously I haven’t had time to sit down with Manly any.  This weekend, maybe, for our anniversary.  We’re not under any timetable here, and I don’t want any discussion to fall victim to my end-of-cycle temper tantrums (yes, I’ll be the first to admit that it doesn’t take much right before my period shows up).  I do want to make a clarifying statement and point out that his comment about trying again wasn’t out of the blue — we’ve never stopped making comments about “when we have kids” and his comment that day was loosely in response to something I had said earlier about not having kids to worry about made it easier to just head off for the weekend. 

Our communication style is not … typical and has never been the strong point of our relationship.  We are just so much alike that we expect the other to agree with whatever we propose.  And most of the time it works.  I’ve never been comfortable with heart-to-heart talks, and our propose-and-veto style lets us knock through almost all of our major issues without a huge emotional mess.  I would classify our conversations like this more along the lines of negotiation and compromise than any other form of communication.  We tend to consider it a win if we both end up equally unhappy with a final decision in any form. 

In a follow-up talking point, if you will, I asked Manly this week if he was serious about what he had said.  And he said yes.  His proposed “compromise” being based on my readiness to try again if my school and work schedule wasn’t too hectic.  So to translate for all of y’all who aren’t married to us, he essentially has admitted that he would still like to try again, as long as I was ready and not too busy with my professional obligations. 

Anyway.  We’re weird.  I know, everyone who has seen us go to a party after a fight at home and both pretend that the other one doesn’t exist has told us so.  Our friends have said to our faces that they don’t know how we stay together being the people we are.  But it works for us.  Sunday will be six years of it, by the way. 

And I’m still thinking about it.  I want to wait and see how this economic thing goes before I give my final answer.  Because if we have to take out a loan to cover IVF costs, well, that could be a lot harder soon if something doesn’t happen in the credit markets.  And choosing to have kids in the middle of a depression/recession would not make me a happy momma. 

At the end of the day, my heart tells me that having a child with him would be the icing on the cake, and it’s something I really want.  So we’re probably going to end up back at Dr. Local’s eventually.  The question I have to answer is how long that eventually will last.