I think I’m just going to be bitter this cycle and not worry about it. I certainly can’t stop myself, and I really don’t have the energy to try right now. I think about my SIL and my future niece, and I’m bitter with envy. I read other blogger’s pg announcements, and I’m bitter that I don’t have one of my own. I read about other people’s losses, and I’m bitter that the universe is so unfair as to snatch away what little hope we have. I run into fertiles in my everyday world, and I’m bitter that they don’t know or understand the pain that we endure. Zee posted on the “Ugliness That Lurks in the Hearts of the Fertility Challenged,” and I think that’s a good description of what I’m dealing with. I’m all eat up inside with ugly.
Manly left this morning for a weekend trip with family. I hate admitting this, but I’m glad to see him go. I love him to bits, but I need the space to grieve for myself for a few days. I can’t do that when he’s home because I feel like I bear the weight of both our hope on my back. He can’t handle it when I’m upset — he wants to comfort me, and I really just want him to leave me alone and let me get the angry and sad out of my system. He doesn’t understand that I can be pissed off at the world, so he thinks that I’m mad at him. He can’t make this better, and I can’t bear for him to try. A few days apart is certainly going to do us good.
Before Istarted TTC, I wasn’t ever like this. I stayed on an even keel most of the time. There were blips of sadness and anger triggered by life’s little traumas, but I never had to deal with days or weeks of generalized anger, anxiety, and sadness. Now I feel like my emotions follow the ebb and flow with the tide, swelling until I feel like I’m going to burst and spill and then falling away until there’s nothing there and I’m hollow. I try to remind myself of something I said a long time ago, a phrase that has become a mantra to me: I have good days and bad days, but most of the time I’m okay. Really, though, right now I’m not okay. But unless you’re reading this right now, you’d never know that. And even to my girls here in town, you’ll never see it. This is something I have to carry alone. I wonder if I have the strength to see it through.
Outlandish Notions 
I know you have the strength to “see it through”. Seeing it through can be done many many many many ways – and You can do it. I am glad that you are getting alone time for you. Know that you are in my thoughts through this cycle . blessings Farah
So, you think your brave face isn’t noticable to us locals, eh?
😉
I hope you know that you don’t have to be so brave. You don’t have to be strong. It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be angry. Feel free to yell, scream, let it all hang out. That’s how you work through things. Just know that I won’t try to tell you it will get better, try to cheer you up, or make you laugh. I *get* where you are emotionally. Been there. Shit place. Wasn’t even worth a postcard.
Hang in there. I’ll be thinking about you.
I’m sorry. Sometimes you just have to go where your emotions lead you and stop the fight. Give yourself the space to validate how you feel and move on from there. I hope this blog gives you that opportunity.
To be quite honest, bitterness just feel good sometimes. And while the bitterness brings guilt along with it, I think it really is a standard feeling in this train wreck otherwise known as IF.
No matter what you are feeling, just feel. You are strong and you have already carried a huge weight, and you can do it. There are many, many shoulders in blogland to lean on if you need them.
It is a terrible way to feel, and yet we all do. With every new hurdle we feel a little more joy seeping out of our hearts.
The small comfort is that although we feel very isolated, we are all in this together.
It’s not often in life that we have so many cheerleaders cheering us on in an otherwise very bad situation.
Hugs
Mands xx
Im so glad that you can be honest about the ugliness-that is healthy!! Let it flow..and be angry and bitter–and it will help you heal. While yours and my anger may differ a bit due to our individual circumstances, I can tell you that I relate–and you are not alone in these feelings. I have had 3 very close friends give birth in the past 2 weeks…great timing for me…uggg. Its HARD. I am sorry you have to go through these emotions–but like you said, let yourself be bitter and let the feelings come out! Yell and scream if need be! Wish I could give you a big hug….
I’ve sort of moved into the “pissed off” mode. I will probably post about it on my private blog after the mtg with my current RE on Monday.
We shouldn’t have to deal with this. My mother once said no one can help what they feel, only how they deal with it, and sometimes, you just need to find a way to express the frustration – and when you are cycling, you can’t work out which is often the best way, so cry, scream, yell at God – whatever makes you feel better.
Pax,
MLO
“This is something I have to carry alone.” This is so true…and while it is a simple sentence….I feel it with you. This really is something you have to feel alone…and honestly I want to scream at people who tell me how strong I am!!!!!
((HUGS))