January 30 TUSAL

This, for those of you who don’t recognize it, is an ORT (old ratty threads) jar. It’s filled with the tail ends of threads from my stitching – the top layer that you can see is from the Firefighter Sampler that I’ve been working on the past few weeks.  I’m using a plain Mason jelly jar, so it’s hard to see through the side, but there’s plenty of room for my planned projects this year.

I saw a picture from last year’s TUSAL where someone (I didn’t mark down where, sorry) had filled a glass Christmas bulb with the remnants from her ORT.  It was lovely, and that’s what I want to do with mine at the end of this year’s project.

If you want to play along, the instructions are at Daffycat’s Totally Useless Stitch-A-Long.  We’ll be posting ORT pics on the new moon dates through the year, and it’s never too late to join up!

Write for me.

There’s a general category of post-baby-now-I-don’t-know-what-to-write-about-privacy-concerns-and-vulnerability-about-new-motherhood-or-we’ve-stopped-trying-and-now-what-do-I-do-with-this-space that seems to crop up on most IF blogs at some point.  I’ve seen a few of them in the last month – like this one from Sprogblogger.  I certainly have had those same thoughts – should I stay?  should I go?  does anyone care?  do I care?

So I’m going to answer those questions for you:

You should stay.

You should keep writing.

I care.

You don’t have to keep writing about IF, or babies, or your particular baby for which you are concerned about future privacy.  Write for yourself.  Write for your friends.  Write because you have a story to tell, and because we, the readers who keep coming back for more, want to hear it.  Write about your garden, your sucky boss, the sunshine through the trees in your back yard, the taste of that perfect margarita, your new video game addiction, your secret shame at obsessively watching “Breaking Pointe” on the CW, the books you read, the book you’re writing, the poem you found today that inspired you, the houseplant you ignored that died, the recipe that turned out spectacularly and the recipe that the dog wouldn’t eat, your half-marathon training, your new paint color, that stain on your carpet that looks like Gorbachev’s birthmark, the stars above your house at night, the sound of the ocean, the breeze across your back porch swing.

Write for me.

Because I didn’t start reading your story just because you were trying to have a baby.  I started reading your story because you reached out, you shared yourself and your hopes and your fears, and I felt a connection.  And I honor that connection, and I want to hear what you have to say and have a conversation back with you.

What do you do when you don’t know what to write about?  Go here.   Open your private journal and pick something that needs to be expounded on.  Share your appreciations.  Start a 30-day project. Sign up for daily inspirational emails and publish a response.  Post a photo a day and commentary.  Join a hobby community.

Because if you write it, I will read it.  And if you leave, I will miss you.

WIPocalypse 2014 – January

One of my goals for this year is to finish up all of the work-in-progress cross-stitch projects that are languishing around the house.  (Remember my word for the year – Release.  This is me releasing all of my angst around finishing, which is one of my least-favorite tasks about sewing.)  To keep myself accountable, I’ve joined the WIPocalypse 2014 group.  This month’s theme is introduction and goal listing.

So who am I?  I’ve been stitching, and avoiding finishing, since I was 9 years old. I’m an engineer by day and a mom of two (three in April!) by night.  I feel incredibly guilty about neglecting all of the lovely designs I committed to, but I hate-hate-hate the finish work that has to be done to wrap projects up.

My goals for this year are the following projects (aka, the parade of shame):

1. Red Scroll Heart from Etsy.  I thought this came from DanceNeedle, but I can’t find it listed anywhere.   Roughly 12″ x 12″ on 14-ct aida.  I started this in fall of 2012, had it almost completed by Valentine’s Day 2013, but then set it aside when V-Day passed.  My plan is to have this matted and framed to hang on the wall (sorry about the upside-down shot):

2. Kitty Kat in Presents from Just Cross Stitch Christmas Ornaments 200…9?  Pretty sure it was the 09 edition.  Roughly 6″ diameter on 28-ct linen.  This was started as a gift for my mom that has just lingered around in the hoop for years, until I needed the hoop and de-mounted it.  Probably 2/3 complete at this point.  Though it’s technically an ornament, I was going to give it to her mounted in the hoop to hang or sit on a stand:

3. Bluebird – free download from Janlynn.  Roughly 2″ diameter on 28-ct oatmeal linen.  This is only part of the download, but I don’t like the background pattern around the center bird.  Started this at the beginning of last summer for a friend, and all it lacks is the backstitching for definition around the details.  Again, planning to give it to her mounted in the hoop.

4. Christmas Sampler – kit from Hobby Lobby.  Started probably 5 or 6 years ago, I never got going on it and then started having kids.  It’s been packed up for ages, and I’m afraid to take the hoop off because I’ve probably put permanent creases in the fabric (14-ct aida).  Also, I remember that I am a stitch off already! and haven’t decided whether to wing it or to frog it and have a clean design.  Have not really thought about final finishing, but it would be nice mounted to hang on the wall or as a pillow.

5.  Fireman Sampler – the true pattern of shame.  I don’t remember where I bought this – it was a kit, and probably from Hobby Lobby or Wal-Mart.  I know this was WIP in 2002 before I got married – I don’t remember how much older it was than that.  If my memory serves, it was originally going to a friend who was a Pike – they have something about firemen? or Dalmatians?  It’s been a long time.  But since then, my father joined the volunteer fire fighters in his town, so I’m going to give it to him instead.  Plan is to frame it for him to hang.

There are two other patterns that I have in progress that I’m not adding as goals for the year, but I would feel dishonest if I don’t at least list them.  I have “Mother and Child” from Cross Stitch Collectibles, but it’s an undertaking of years on its own – a 25″ by 20″ with 100+ colors.  I have a inch wide by 6 inches down completed and that took forever.  The second is Cherry On Top from Brooke’s Books Elf Babies Collection.  It was supposed to be baby’s first Christmas stocking – and baby turns 5 this year.  I don’t want to talk about it (so ashamed) (and I might as well throw all my shame out there – I also have Peekaboo Teacup for the second baby’s first stocking – and that baby turns 3 this year, and I haven’t even opened the package.) (Did I mention that my mother stitched baby’s first stockings for me and both my siblings, including my sister who was born on Nov 29? No?  Clearly, her ambition didn’t get passed down to me.) (Or maybe it did. She has a tablecloth that has been WIP for at least 20 years.) (And maybe I should stop using parentheses.)

I also have two Christmas ornaments that I need to stitch, but they are 1-hr projects each (1 inch letters on 18-ct aida).  I stitched a set of initials for my college girlfriends this year, but I didn’t do my own or the one for an out of town friend I’ll see next month.  But those are easy and I’m not in a frantic state over them.

But to end on a high note – I have actually finished one of my WIP since the beginning of the year!  It was a small pattern from Janlynn, I think – I picked up the kit for a dollar at JoAnn Fabrics:

I love the colors and the shells, but I’m not sure what to actually do with it.  I’m thinking a bookmark? Or a topper for my ORT jar?  Suggestions are welcome!

Please introduce yourself in the comments – I try to get out and about online, but sometimes it’s hard to visit everyone unless I know exactly where to look.  If you leave me a message, I’ll make sure to come and visit you back!

So what’s with that baby thing, again?

I haven’t documented this pregnancy any, so here’s the rundown:

• July – came off birth control.  Based on my “normal”cycles, it was past the fertility window.
• August – “Hmm.  The last time I felt like this, I was pregnant.”  Peed on a stick.  Positive.  Holy … how’d that happen? Doc called me in for a beta, according to which, I was about 4 weeks pregnant.  Seriously, how’d that happen?
• September – supposed “8 week” appointment (per beta levels).  LMP date was 10w6d.  Baby size, via ultrasound, was 9w1d.  We decide to go with baby’s size for due date, as good as anything else.
• October – 13 week appointment.  HB 155.  I have not gained any weight and my blood sugar is dropping every two hours making me nauseous and shaky.  Told to eat high protein snacks to keep sugars leveled out, weight is fine as long as baby is growing appropriately (as measured by belly).
• November 1 – start telling family and friends.
• November 2 – feel baby for first time.  I got into car and felt the lump, which was apparently squished cause it moved over.
• November – 17 week appointment.  HB 148.  I still have not gained any weight, I still have 0 appetite, periodic nausea, and I ITCH.  Still not worried about weight (“baby is gaining, you are losing”) and told to try Benadryl for itching.  Quad screen comes back with no markers.
• December- 20 week ultrasound.  Baby measures 19w5d, so on track.  We decide not to learn baby’s sex.  Baby has brain, bones, all internal organs, and does not like the ultrasound wand on its head.  Still have not gained any weight.  Doc still not worried.

My next appointment is on Monday, and I am predicting that I still will not have gained any weight (per my home scale).  Which seems to bother me a lot more than the doctors.  I started out this pregnancy at an “obese” level BMI, and I didn’t gain all that much with either of the other two pregnancies, so I’m not panicking by any means.  My blood sugar seems to have finally leveled out – I have my own personal theory that it was my blood volume changing so much in the first trimester that really threw it off.  The same thing happens when I donate blood, and I’ve been told that the volumetric change hits my blood sugar levels (I get to drink soda while they are drawing blood to help regulate the levels now, and it seems to work.  I don’t feel nauseous or like I’m going to pass out afterwards.)  BUT I am way more exhausted this time around, which I attribute to the baby pulling everything it needs from my body, rather than me adding weight to supply it with raw materials. And I still have no appetite, other than at breakfast.

I’ve started trying to walk every day in an attempt to build up some muscle tone and endurance.  I felt so bad the first trimester that I didn’t work out at all, and I’m getting winded every morning climbing the stairs in our building.  It’s a good and bad thing.  Good, that I’ll build up some endurance and hopefully not be pure jelly after the baby is born.  Bad, that my pelvic instability, which had FINALLY seemed to clear up when Smaller hit about 18-20 months, has come right back.  I have to be careful when I roll out of bed, or sneeze, or pick up the kids so that I don’t pull the ligaments inside my pelvis, and it has already started to pop as the joints are loosening up.  I have my hip support at the ready, but I haven’t had to wear it yet – I know it’s just a matter of time.

Compared to my previous pregnancies, this has been much harder on me physically.  The soreness, the exhaustion, the nausea – I’m not enjoying this as much as I did the other two.  We had already pretty much decided that this would be our last baby, but the last few months have made me really not want to do this again.  So unless we have an accident of some fashion, this is our finale baby.

It’s an odd thing to think about – closing this chapter of my life.  I’ve been trying to get pregnant, or been pregnant, or had a small baby since 2005.  That’s 9 years spending a LOT of time in baby-world.  I have friends who were done after two, or three, and started giving away all their stuff.  I couldn’t comprehend it then how they could make that decision and be confident enough to pass me bags and bags of things that they didn’t want back.  (If you’re reading this Jess, I still have the bassinet and am about to bring it back out 🙂  LOVE it!)  But now, NOW I understand.  The urge to keep going is gone.  I told Manly – my heart would love to have another one, to have the four kids that we had talked about when we got married*.  But my body, and my budget, are telling me that three are enough.  And he agrees**.

Some mornings, it’s still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this will be my last pregnancy.

Some nights, after fighting bedtime for an hour, I can’t believe that we decided to do this again.

But most of the time, I think we made the right decision.  I think one more will make us happier when they are all older and more self-sufficient.  I look forward to being able to pack up baby clothes and gear and pass it on to friends who will need it, or sell it at consignment and add the money to their college accounts.  I’ll be able to get the changing table out of my dining room.  The kids are already excited about new baby.  And I will have the freedom to make career decisions without worrying about my availability for long-term, or short-term, assignments.  Everything we feel tells us that this is the path for us.

So now it’s just the countdown to delivery day.  Monday is 24 weeks, which means I’m almost out of the second tri.  Which I cannot believe – for all it’s been harder, this one has gone so much faster.  Soon enough, we’ll be meeting our surprise and starting the next phase of our life.  And figuring out where we want to go from there.

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*For the record, HE wanted four.  I agreed to two, and that we would evaluate higher numbers then.

**Daddy stays home with the zoo all day long.  Even if I really, seriously, wanted four, I would defer to his sanity levels.

Cultivate the Roots

I’ve picked a word at the beginning of the year for several of the last few years.  Some of my previous words have included balance, nourish, “Just Do It,” and fearless.  Some of them have been better than others; some have been easily incorporated into my intention and mindset, while others fell by the wayside.

This year, my word is “Release.”

And there’s a lot that I need to release from my life.  This is going to be a year of change, and holding on to old patterns is not going to serve me well.  I keep running up against the concept of creative destruction, burning down the things that are no longer working so that new ideas can cultivate and grow.  I need space, mental and physical, to manifest a new reality in place of the old one that is being replaced.