April Moon, Day 11: Trying not to talk about it.

There’s this thing about blogging with prompts – no matter what the prompt is, your mind goes straight to whatever is bothering you the most at the moment.  So despite trying not to talk about it, here I am, talking about it.

  • We had a death in the family last week, someone I was not close to, but whose funeral required the presence of Manly’s entire extended family.  We ended up hosting some people at our house, and spending the majority of the weekend with guests.  Which is all fine and good, except I really didn’t have the time right now to shoehorn those obligations into my rather crowded schedule.  And honestly, I’m a bit resentful at the deceased (whom I was not fond of anyway) for interfering with my life.  That doesn’t make me feel good about myself.
  • The baby turns one next week.  It hit me that after that, I will never have another baby in my house.  She’s the last one.  And that makes me very sad, although I know that NOT having another baby is the right decision for my family and for me.  The internal conflict doesn’t make me feel very good.
  • Shark week started today, and my scale is up 7 pounds from where I want it to be.  The Bad Voice in my mind is telling me how worthless I am and how I’ll never lose the last few pounds because I’m a fat cow who prefers easter chocolates over starving. I know it is temporary, but it doesn’t make me feel good about myself and I’m struggling with self-love right now.
  • My mother called and told me they might not make it to the baby’s birthday party because of my father’s *thinghehastodo.*  Except, I scheduled the party SPECIFICALLY around my father’s work schedule so that he could attend.  It makes me so ANGRY because the thinghehastodo is a consequence of one of his hobbies.  And he refuses to see that this thing is a CHOICE that he is choosing to prioritize it over his grandchildren.  I feel like my dad has always chosen to put his desires in front of me and it hurts that he’s doing it all over again with my kids.  So now I have to deal with my own hurt, and set it aside at the same time to help them deal with theirs.  It makes me so angry because not only does he do this, he guilts my mother into (a) choosing to stay with him rather than travel here by herself and (b) calling to tell me rather than talking to me himself.  Manly says I should confront him about it, but there’s really no point.  He views himself as the most important person in the relationship and it’s only what he thinks/feels/says that matters, not anything about how his actions affect me.  Of course, I’ve been crying, so I have puffy post-ugly-cry eyes and a sinus headache to top off the emotional hurt now too.

There you go.  I’m a hot mess of hurt feelings in a shame spiral right now.  Not talking about it anymore.

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4 thoughts on “April Moon, Day 11: Trying not to talk about it.

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