Doctor’s appointment stats from this morning – just for the record.
- weight 205
- BP 128/80 (higher than I like, but consistent for the last month)
- BHP 145
- no dialation (but spotting afterwards from the exam)
- thinks baby is head down
I’m scheduled for an ultrasound next week to confirm that the baby is indeed head down and to estimate fetal weight. Based on that, we’ll find out whether I get a planned C-section (likely if baby is breech), proceed with the currently planned induction (likely if baby is head-down and shows probable macrosomia), or if we postpone the currently scheduled induction for an extra week to my actual due date (unlikely, but a possibility if baby is head-down and average size).
I’m honestly not sure if I’m more nervous NOW, with#3, knowing all that can go wrong than I was with #1 and completely oblivious to how bad things could go. There are risks associated with each possible outcome, but benefits too. And it’s all a trade off, what’s better for me and what’s better for baby.
I took the hospital tour again last night, just to refresh my memory of where to park, what floor to check in on, etc. Most everything is still the same (other than parking being changed from free to paid in some lots), but it makes me feel a little calmer having walked through the halls once and getting my bearings again. I need to go ahead and pack a hospital bag, just in case, but since baby is not imminent, I’ve been slacking on it. I feel like I should have my own gravity by now, my belly is so big, and when I get home I just want to find a comfy place to sit and not move.
I’m ready for the end though. I walked through Target tonight and was looking at non-pregnancy swimsuits and shorts for this summer. I’m tempted to go ahead and pick up some things based on my pre-pregnancy size since I have historically been back down by a few weeks after delivery, but I’m also super-aware that that might not be the case this time. Decisions, decisions.
Overall, I’m itching for change. I want to redecorate the house, move to a house with a pool, move to a house down at the beach, change jobs, throw away my entire closet and start from scratch, plant flowers for the summer patio – all of it at the same time. I’m ready to feel like myself again and start running. I’m ready for the warmth and silkiness of summer evening air. Everything that isn’t here now, that’s where I want to be.
Sometimes I feel like I’m envisioning the future, and sometimes I feel like I’m wishing my life away, wasting the moment that is in front of me. I want to make sure that I’m not missing anything, but most of the time now I’m so uncomfortable that I don’t want to stay in this place. And in a way, that’s making me pay attention even more to what’s going on around me. Gratitude and longing, all mixed up together.