twisted up inside

I went back to my hometown for my cousin’s wedding this weekend.  We told my family Friday night, so by the wedding on Saturday, the word had spread and it was all congratulations and “you better bring that baby back here to visit” and “go feed the baby some more cake.”  I don’t have it in me right now to fight though all the crap that the wedding service itself dragged up, with the wording the pastors used.

Because when I came home, I found out that my friend miscarried her baby yesterday.  She was 3 weeks behind me and was supposed to go see the heartbeat on Tuesday.  We were going to be pregnant together, we were going to have babies together. 

Her father works at the same company  I do.  I am telling my boss on Tuesday.  I don’t want to have to face him after this, but I know he’ll hear anyway.

For the next seven months, she will be looking at me, and thinking about where she would have been in relation.  And I will be looking at her, thinking that it could have been (and still could be) me.

I want to go cry for the both of us.

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