In general, I’d say I’m one of those people who enjoy being pregnant. So far it’s been a delightful experience, punctuated by a few high “highs” and a few low “lows”. The highs everyone seems to talk about — seeing (and hearing!) the heartbeat, telling our parents and friends, slowly realizing that my pants aren’t quite big enough around the waist anymore. But the lows, eh, no one warned me how bad they could be. So in the spirit of honesty and completeness that this blog is known for (QUIT LAUGHING) (I still hear you), I feel it is my duty to share with you the following unpleasantness:
1. You will wake up in the middle of the night to hear the dog throwing up under the bed. After cleaning it up (and trying valiantly to not follow his example), you won’t be able to get back to sleep. Yes, you will be pregnant and exhausted, but it will not matter in the least. Approximately and hour and a half of you tossing and turning will culminate in you and your spouse yelling at each other (while both still laying in bed), ending in the exchange:
Him: “Quit moving!”
You: “Quit breathing!”
After which you will huff off to the couch and sleep soundly for the rest of the hour and a half you have before the alarm goes off. This scene WILL be repeated, with various waking-up reasons (storms, headaches, bad dreams, snoring) but end in the same result every time.
2. You will wake up one morning, decide that you have to throw up RIGHT NOW and make a run for the toilet. Unfortunately, all you will have in your stomach is bile and the leftover components of the extra strength tylenol that were for some reason supposed to help your headache (my ass. m&m’s would be more effective). While you dry heave, you realize that all that extra space that used to cushion your bladder is now taken up by uterus and you are peeing down your leg into the bathroom floor.
Good times. And don’t complain that no one warned you.