why do we do this?

Every time I think about my upcoming RE appointment, a little voice inside starts yelling, “RUN AWAY!” (punctuated by coconuts, of course). 

I have a good life.  No, really, a good life.  I love my job.  I love my schoolwork.  I love going out with my friends and not having to worry about when I have to be home.  There’s an incredible amount of freedom that comes from not having any children, and I am all about the being free to do nothing if that’s what I want.  Or being able to spend a long weekend searching publication databases for articles for my dissertation proposal. 

Right now, I’m not sure that I want children. 

Of course, if I really didn’t, then I wouldn’t be going to see an RE about IVF. 

I don’t know what I want.

Fuck.

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12 thoughts on “why do we do this?

  1. for me, i had to weigh my desire to have a child with whether i had a werewithal to go through another cycle.

    About two years ago, the reluctance to go through a cycle won out. We stopped.

  2. I’m still not sure we did the right thing and I have three now. (small very bad joke)

    Seriously, I went through a lot, and in the end, the pain is worth it. Everytime I have an awesome conversation with my oldest–oh yeah. And if you can afford some extra help for childcare or you have family around, you’ll still be able to do things like go away for a weekend.

    And not everyone would agree, and I respect their choice, but for me I am so so glad I never stopped.

  3. I think the reasons you teeter totter in you mind is partly to protect your heart. Of course, I’m sure that’s not the only reason. I think it’s only normal to be a bit wigged out by something like this. It’s a major life decision, compounded by the stress and roller coaster nature of infertility treatments.

    What I can say this, in such a balanced manner. There are times when parenting makes you feel on top of the world, but there are times when you feel like the scum on the bottom of your shoe. There are times you want to run away from it screaming, and times when there is no place in the world you would rather be. It’s the ultimate in contradictions.

    You will find your way, and you have all of us here to listen while you do. Love ya’ girl!

  4. I think it’s normal to question any of these major life changing decisions we make. What makes it worse are there are no right or wrong answers. I’ll be thinking of you as you work your way through these feelings. *hug* Like Becky said, we’re all here for ya. Call anytime.

  5. On one hand I’m sorry you’re feeling so torn. On the other I’m thankful that someone else understands the push-and-pull I feel. I swear that the longer I live as a childfree woman, the harder is would be to adjust to motherhood. I still long to have our child but I LOVE my life the way it is, too. Gah. It’s never easy, is it?

    Wishing you peace, in one way or another!

  6. I could have written this Sharah –you know, for me — it only became clear when I came at it from a different direction: how would I feel if I never do it? How much regret would I have? And I realized I would always feel regret if I hadn’t tried everything, always wonder…but too I think that being in this space also means that I will be okay with the outcome, no matter what — or at least that’s what I tell myself…

  7. I get that. I feel the same way. Do I really want to do this?
    We IF ladies have so much more time to over think (or think just the right amount ;)) these things. Most people say ‘I want a baby’ and bam they have one within year.
    My think time is usually me convincing my self I don’t want kids, or trying to talk myself into seeing the RE. *shrug*

  8. RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! I love Monty Python!
    She turned me into a newt! Well, I got better…

    OK, anyway… I agree totally w/WB, Wordgirl and IG. Their sentiments match my thinking at various times in the process. I think if you feel you might really regret not trying, then you should give it a try and hope for the best. It isn’t guaranteed to work but it is guaranteed to not work if you don’t even try it, right? Unless you think you would be OK with stopping short of IVF and that pursuing it might actually cause more harm to your psyche than good.
    It’s such a personal thing and, unfortunately, nobody can tell you what is the right thing to do. Only you can make that decision for yourself…

    I wish you lots of luck and love on this. It’s tough, isn’t it?

  9. All of the above. Plus: I like to tell myself, at junctures such as these, that I am “just getting some information”. Getting information does not mean you have committed to making a decision. And it helps you in being able to make the decision. Usually. Plus there is no time limit between getting information and making the decision. You could go to the RE next week and not decide until next year whether you want to do IVF or not.

    I guess the scary thing is the more information we get, and the more options we’ve seriously looked at that haven’t yet worked, the closer we get to the bottom of the barrel, or “the last hope”. And it isn’t a nice place to be, on the edge of the last hope. Far better to feel as though we have a couple of options still up our sleeve if we want to pursue them later. At least, that’s how it has felt for me. I’m saving up doing another round of IVF because emotionally I feel I can’t do many more, and then I guess I have the donor egg option and then my last hope (surrogacy) is right around the corner. It’s like I’m staving off the beast, somehow, by delaying the process. But maybe I’m delaying the birth of my child instead? Who can know?

    And therin lies the crux of the matter. Because realistically we don’t have much real control over the outcome, and we don’t know how it is going to end for us. It’s the not knowing that means every decision we take is a risk. And at some point I guess you’ll know when you’ve stopped being willing to take the risk. Or have just downright changed your mind. But I don’t think that will be a wavering sort of thought. I think you’ll really know that if you feel it.

    I wish you clarity of mind and peace in your heart as you take a decision on your next step. Good luck moving forward, wherever it takes you.

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