On May 29, 2005, I took my last birth control pill. The action was so momentous to me that I marked it down in my calendar. How could I have known at the time that that little note would be the one date that I go back and check each summer to verify? This year it slid by with little fanfare, but I still knew it was that time of year. Three years. Gone. And not a tangible thing in my life, other than a leftover box of ovulation predictor sticks and some fertility clinic copay receipts, to mark that anything changed on that day.
Do you remember the very first time you had sex with the intention of getting pregnant? I do. I remember getting into bed, unprotected by any kind of latex or hormone, and thinking, “Oh my god, I can’t believe we’re really doing this.” For the previous, ahem, eight, years of my life, I had spent who knows how much money and time trying to keep sperm away from my vulnerable ovaries. And here I was now, trying to do the exact opposite, still unsure if this was really what I wanted to do. I was nervous. I was excited. Manly was sure. He had been trying to get me to toss the pills for a while, subtle hints and finally a straight out request. We had been married for 2 1/2 years and together for 5, and he was ready for a family.
Ironic, isn’t it, that he was the one who wanted to stop treatments.
Dr. Googlicious informs me that 80% of couples who start trying to conceive are successful within 12 months. Another 10% are successful in the next 12 months. I can’t find a number for rates during year 3, but after 48 months, only 5-7% are still unsuccessful. As the magic eight ball would probably say, “outlook not good.”
The past two months have been hard around here. Between Manly’s unbloggability, and my new job, and school, I haven’t had much time to write. And now I’m feeling the effects of that. I have this well of anger and bitterness sitting inside me, festering, looking for a place to spill over. And short of one night a month when I can escape to the solace of WAITT, I have no one to talk to about it. I think it might be time to come back.