Mel talked a while back about location casualties — “those places that you never want to go back to because all they do is remind you of what you don’t have.”
Ever since she wrote that post, I’ve thought about the concept. My test results have almost all come in the privacy of my own bathroom, and I never got far enough to actually have beta results called in when I wasn’t at home. For a long time, I’ve thought that I was lucky to not have any locations truely ruined by the spectre of infertility.
But then this morning, on the way to work, I started wondering how much of my desire for a new job is tied up with the fact that I’ve been here through all of my ttc and treatment time. There are some very legitimate reasons for finding a new job, but I’ve been almost frantic about it since the start of the new year. When I think about my job, my chest tightens up and I can feel the adrenaline start flowing as the flight response kicks in. I haven’t been able to sleep through the night for about the past six weeks. I really do dread coming into the office each morning. I just want to run away and never come back.
I think about all the times that I spent miserable on Day 1, sitting at this computer, dutifully logging into FF and starting another cycle. I think about all the entries that I’ve written, tearing up and trying not to cry so that no one would know anything was wrong. I see my paycheck every two weeks and see all the vacation and sick time that I saved up for maternity leave that I’ll now most likely lose — time that I could have taken and enjoyed. I think about my plans to juggle my contracts while I was out for a few months with a newborn. There’s no incident that stands out before the others; it’s more of a feeling of “death from a thousand cuts.”
I may never be able to tease the exact influence of IF out of the desire to leave, to portion out my frustration and anger and despondence to specific causes. But I know that I have a deep and burning desire to leave it behind, to leave this job behind, to leave the memories behind, and start over somewhere fresh.