Running Away

Mel talked a while back about location casualties — “those places that you never want to go back to because all they do is remind you of what you don’t have.” 

Ever since she wrote that post, I’ve thought about the concept.  My test results have almost all come in the privacy of my own bathroom, and I never got far enough to actually have beta results called in when I wasn’t at home.  For a long time, I’ve thought that I was lucky to not have any locations truely ruined by the spectre of infertility.

But then this morning, on the way to work, I started wondering how much of my desire for a new job is tied up with the fact that I’ve been here through all of my ttc and treatment time.  There are some very legitimate reasons for finding a new job, but I’ve been almost frantic about it since the start of the new year.  When I think about my job, my chest tightens up and I can feel the adrenaline start flowing as the flight response kicks in.  I haven’t been able to sleep through the night for about the past six weeks.  I really do dread coming into the office each morning.  I just want to run away and never come back.

I think about all the times that I spent miserable on Day 1, sitting at this computer, dutifully logging into FF and starting another cycle.  I think about all the entries that I’ve written, tearing up and trying not to cry so that no one would know anything was wrong.  I see my paycheck every two weeks and see all the vacation and sick time that I saved up for maternity leave that I’ll now most likely lose — time that I could have taken and enjoyed.  I think about my plans to juggle my contracts while I was out for a few months with a newborn.  There’s no incident that stands out before the others; it’s more of a feeling of “death from a thousand cuts.”

I may never be able to tease the exact influence of IF out of the desire to leave, to portion out my frustration and anger and despondence to specific causes.  But I know that I have a deep and burning desire to leave it behind, to leave this job behind, to leave the memories behind, and start over somewhere fresh. 

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7 thoughts on “Running Away

  1. I hear you. I’m officially in limbo – sitting at a job that doesn’t satisfy me in hopes that I get to take the mat leave because when I return to work, the hours are family friendly. I too am weary of living for a tomorrow that never comes
    Rita

  2. I hear you – wanted so badly to leave my job. But couldn’t because I knew I needed more treatments.

    Starting somewhere fresh sounds like a good idea. But make sure you like the JOB itself too, you know? Change for the sake of change might not actually solve the problem.

    *HUG*

  3. I know how you feel. I went thru this last year. I wanted CHANGE. We tried to sell the house, but the market crashed and we are now stuck. And my job – realistically it is the best job I’ve ever had. To leave would be a bad idea.

    I’ve tried to incorporate new things and routines – for now, because it has to be – it is enough.

    I hope you can find a bigger and better job. And if not that something that will help you find peace.

  4. Change is good for the soul (I think). Sometimes is just feels necessary and a clean break is needed. I hope that your search comes up fruitful and you find the change that you are looking for. 🙂

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