Blogaversary, Anno Uno

One year and 207 posts ago, I started blogging about my infertility.  Cripes, that seems like such a long time.  In the last year, I got my master’s degree, got accepted into a PhD program, got my PE, lost my last great aunt, became an aunt myself, adopted two kittens, started fostering a pitt bull, bought a car, sold a car, and made some fantastic new friends.  In short, the year went by fast; it snuck up on me, and I’m afraid I am woefully underprepared for a “happy blogaversary!” kind of post.

In long, infertility blogs generally tend to follow a general life cycle: realization of problems, see an RE, clomid/femara cycles, IUI cycles, IVF cycles, adoption, pregnancy, happy ending (YMMV).  In the last year, we covered steps 1-3 and then … stopped.  We punted.  Do not pass go, do not collect $200.  I don’t have a happy ending to share, nor do I have the promise of one in the future.

Loribeth has a quote from a Robert Frost poem that keeps chasing me, catching me unawares in the dark when I think my mind is quiet:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

That has made all the difference.  Our choice to not pursue further treatment has made a huge difference to me.  I can’t hardly read pregnancy blogs anymore.  I know some of you have noticed, and I’m sorry, but I can’t handle it.  Even blogs of women going through treatment have the potential to cause me pain now.  Lately I’ve been seeking out the stories of other childless infertiles and deadbaby blogs.  In these places, I can feel the echoes of my own pain, the acceptance of other women who can distinctly feel the loss of the potential life that once lay before them. 

When I write here now, I know that I am other.  I am the ending that other infertiles don’t want to see.  I am a pariah.  You don’t have to apologize; I am my own worst nightmare some days.  It is what it is, as they say. 

I apologize for not having a happy, upbeat blogaversary post prepared for today.  I know that this is not what most people expect on what is usually a chipper day.  But this is where I am, and I don’t feel comfortable faking it, especially with you guys.  You have celebrated with me in the good times, and held me up in the bad ones over the last 12 months.  I am thankful for each and every one of you who has held my hand, sent me an email, left a comment, or shared your own story.  I hope that you’ll stick with me as I walk this new path, and that maybe next year we can share cake and streamers as we celebrate the end of anno due.

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17 thoughts on “Blogaversary, Anno Uno

  1. Happy Blogoversary–Im so glad you are a blogging buddy–I will be a reader as long as you have a blog! Thanks for all the support you have offered me!

  2. I’m fortunate to be counted as one of those friends! I think your ending will be happy as long as you choose to think of it that way. You have had much to celebrate this past year, and that’s what I’m going to focus on. The incredible woman that you are!

  3. Sharah,

    You are NOT pariah. I have said it before and will say it again. It is a modern phenomenon for everyone to be expected to be parents. I have no idea if it will work for me and DH or not. Because of you, Pamela Jean and others I don’t feel so alone in this generation.

    Of course, I have been lucky in knowing so many amazing women who through circumstances did not have children, I only have internal pressures and wants driving me. I know intellectually that I will survive no matter what happens, and so will you.

    I didn’t realize how many of us started blogging a year ago.

    Oh, and, even without children, you can have a happy ending by creating an awesome marriage, extended family, friends, career or whatever you want to create.

    Pax,

    MLO

  4. Happy Blogoversary-I always find your blog interesting and enjoy being a Braces Bunch Buddy…and I don’t think you are a pariah. You are you–and I love that! It doesn’t matter the road you travel–it matters how you travel.

  5. Happy Blogoversary-I always find your blog interesting and enjoy being a Braces Bunch Buddy…and I don’t think you are a pariah. You are you–and I love that! It doesn’t matter the road you travel–it matters how you travel.

  6. Happy Blogaversary! I also feel fortunate to be counted among the friends you’ve found this past year. You’ve achieved a lot in the past year, and that’s definitely something to be proud of! I see no pariahs around here either. 🙂

  7. Happy Blogaversary! One of the things I have learned is that infertility blogs do not always follow a logical trajectory, endings with children are not guaranteed, and happiness comes in different forms. Treatment paths and decisions towards how/if to have to have family vary greatly, and certainly don’t always go in a linear fashion. My knowledge and understanding of all of the possibilities and choices out there has been greatly enriched. You may be on the road less traveled, but certainly not as a pariah or not because you are alone.

  8. Happy Blogaversary! & thanks for the shoutout. I love that poem, as you can tell. ; ) I can’t remember how I found your blog, but I’ve probably been reading it for almost as long as you’ve been writing it, and I’ll be happy to keep walking with you!

  9. It’s so wonderful that you’ve been enhancing the blogosphere for one whole year! I, too, hope you will be blogging with all of us for a long time to come.

    (And, thank you so much for your kind encouraging comment on my blog.)

  10. Sharah,

    Happy Blogoversary from one pariah to another ;). This road, isn’t that bad. And I think it will be very happy – once we realize our new lives.

    Wishing you all the best.

  11. I think it’s important to give voice to this path. Statistics say that ART works 50% of the time (not an actual scientific quote mind you) and then some (unknown to me) percentage go on to adopt and some choose to live their lives as a couple. The latter is the least talked about “ending” but it’s got to be more common than any of us realize.

    I count myself in as a maybe for that category. And I’m starting to feel more OK about it.

    May next year’s anniversary be more celebratory, but whatever it is . . . you have my applause for telling your story!

  12. I’m late, but still here (when I can be). Happy Blogoversary! I will remain a faithful reader (when I’m allowed) regardless of your choices. I think happiness can be found in any situation and hope that you have some in yours!!

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