One year and 207 posts ago, I started blogging about my infertility. Cripes, that seems like such a long time. In the last year, I got my master’s degree, got accepted into a PhD program, got my PE, lost my last great aunt, became an aunt myself, adopted two kittens, started fostering a pitt bull, bought a car, sold a car, and made some fantastic new friends. In short, the year went by fast; it snuck up on me, and I’m afraid I am woefully underprepared for a “happy blogaversary!” kind of post.
In long, infertility blogs generally tend to follow a general life cycle: realization of problems, see an RE, clomid/femara cycles, IUI cycles, IVF cycles, adoption, pregnancy, happy ending (YMMV). In the last year, we covered steps 1-3 and then … stopped. We punted. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I don’t have a happy ending to share, nor do I have the promise of one in the future.
Loribeth has a quote from a Robert Frost poem that keeps chasing me, catching me unawares in the dark when I think my mind is quiet:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
That has made all the difference. Our choice to not pursue further treatment has made a huge difference to me. I can’t hardly read pregnancy blogs anymore. I know some of you have noticed, and I’m sorry, but I can’t handle it. Even blogs of women going through treatment have the potential to cause me pain now. Lately I’ve been seeking out the stories of other childless infertiles and deadbaby blogs. In these places, I can feel the echoes of my own pain, the acceptance of other women who can distinctly feel the loss of the potential life that once lay before them.
When I write here now, I know that I am other. I am the ending that other infertiles don’t want to see. I am a pariah. You don’t have to apologize; I am my own worst nightmare some days. It is what it is, as they say.
I apologize for not having a happy, upbeat blogaversary post prepared for today. I know that this is not what most people expect on what is usually a chipper day. But this is where I am, and I don’t feel comfortable faking it, especially with you guys. You have celebrated with me in the good times, and held me up in the bad ones over the last 12 months. I am thankful for each and every one of you who has held my hand, sent me an email, left a comment, or shared your own story. I hope that you’ll stick with me as I walk this new path, and that maybe next year we can share cake and streamers as we celebrate the end of anno due.