Trying to Move On

Beagle made a comment in one of her posts the other day about knowing that she was ovulating even without opk’s or taking her BBT.  I too find myself in that position.  It’s hard to NOT know where you are in your cycle after a few years of actively analyzing all the little twinges and cramps and subtle changes throughout the month.  For example, right now I’m in the 2ww.  Even though we aren’t trying, I know that I’m past ovulation because my tatas are swollen up another cup size, they hurt to touch, and I’m roasting in bed from the elevated BBT.  I don’t have to get out a thermometer, I don’t have to have bloodwork done, I just know. 

Today I’m remembering back to two years ago.  I had ovulated for the first time since coming off of BCP in October, and only realized it after the fact when I randomly checked my BBT one morning.  The next cycle, I was ready.  I started charting religiously at that point, still fresh with enthusiasm and just sure that I would be pregnant immediately.  I had such a lovely chart that month, and all of the “classic” pregnancy symptoms: sore breasts, tiredness, slightly nauseous in the afternoons.

chartgraph_module.jpg Nov 2005 picture by sharahblog

I remember telling one of my girlfriends that I would be “very surprised” if I wasn’t pg that month.  She, pragmatically enough, told me to not be so sure.  Did I listen to her?  Of course not.  Was I crushed when that very first single line showed up?  Hell yes.  Did I learn my lesson about mistaking my body’s reaction to progesterone for pg symptoms?  You’d better believe it.  That first negative test hurt so much that I hardly ever took them again after that.  Probably saved me a lot of money of the course of the next few years.

Now when I have sore breasts and high temps, I just can’t bring myself to get excited any more.  False hope fucking hurts, and I don’t have the emotional reserves to deal with it any more.  So I bitch about my bra not fitting, and I count down to when my period should arrive, and I make sure that I have appropriate supplies on hand.  If I’m lucky, one day I’ll be surprised.  But if not, at least I’m prepared.


6 thoughts on “Trying to Move On

  1. Those damn charts! I had a whole stack of them with me during our first visit with the doctor. Not that it mattered, because they don’t really care to see them.

    I hope that you get that surprise, and very, very soon…

  2. Honestly, I never have any idea what my body is doing. I guess it’s a blessing a curse. I do still have my charts too. It’s hard to figure out how to move on.

  3. I hate charting. It almost starts to feel like superstition after 15 cycles of charting. Of course, for those who get pg right away with careful charting, I am sure it seems like magic!

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