Breaking the Habit(s)

I realized last night at dinner that I haven’t had a blood draw in two months.  I don’t miss it one bit.

I haven’t taken my met in almost a week — not because I don’t want to, but because of laziness.  I haven’t unpacked the suitcase it’s in. 

Prenatals?  Um, can’t remember the last time I took one.

But: I realized that I can’t let go of knowing what cycle day I’m on.  It’s like I have a freaking ticker inside my head.  That’s going to be a big hurdle for me to cross.  In the back of my mind, I feel this pressure to GO HAVE SEX BECAUSE IT’S “THAT TIME”!  But I don’t want to do that.  I want to have sex when I feel like it, not just because it’s CD16 or whenever.  I actually caught myself thinking, “I started on Monday so …” and then yelled at myself (in my head, since I was at the gym) to stop.  Lalala, I can’t hear myself, oh look it’s time to go run on the treadmill, think about how the soap smells so nice, just don’t freaking think about it anymore!

Part of it is because I know that we still have a miniscule chance of conceiving on our own.  I’m terrified that if we don’t try, then of course that would be the month that I would have gotten pg, and I will have missed it.  Don’t think I’m not beating myself up about the five years that we were preventing.  Baptist guilt, a little, do you think?  And that’s on top of the guilt of not getting pg in the first place, the guilt about how my body failed Manly, the guilt about enjoying not ttc, and the guilt about feeling like I’m being punished for all of the above.  Guilt on top of guilt.

The physical part of infertility treatment is easy to leave behind. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to leave the mental and emotional scars behind.

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11 thoughts on “Breaking the Habit(s)

  1. ah baptist guilt … I know what THAT is … I am glad that you have made the physical transition. I am praying that the mental transition follows suite

  2. This has been a HUGE concern of mine, the not-thinking about it. How after years and years of tracking a cycle, do you just NOT do it anymore? It’s been part of our lives for too damn long.

  3. Sometimes I wonder, if things don’t work out for my last cycle, if I should go back on BCP, just so I can call it done. Otherwise, I know I’ll be temping, trying to see what my PCOS ovaries might do. I suppose you have to start breaking these habits one habit at a time – and this is going to be one that needs more time before it feels okay not to be doing anything.

  4. Believe me, I’ve thought about going back on birth control. But the progesterone levels in that shit is what caused me to start having migraines. I just can’t bring myself to willingly submit to migraines 3 or 4 times a month again. Otherwise, I’d probably go back on depo.

  5. hi sharah, thanks for stopping by my blog and welcoming me to this blog-world! 🙂 i’m finally catching up with your blog. i’m praying for peace and serenity for you as you work through the coming weeks and months.

  6. Guilt like this is wasted emotion, especially Baptist guilt. And I should know; I am one! 😉

    I hear you about not being able to let go of counting cycle days in your head. I’m so there and we haven’t tried since February. I sitll get that “What if this is the month, though?” thoughts, too. (Geez, that was a hard sentence to punctuate!) I don’t think it ever goes away.

  7. I do suggest that if you have PCOS to take the met. Pcos is systemic so it isn’t about IF it is about other things like your sugar levels, and your liver, etc.

  8. I have similar thoughts. What if we miss our ‘one in a million barely worth mentioning’ chance, this month?

    It’s hard to break that habit of counting, it becomes so automatic.

  9. So, so true about the the emotional part of IF. It just isn’t something that shakes easily. I hope that you can free yourself from the scars, but only when you are ready to do so.

  10. I’ve been there. We started our break (which we thought would be temporary) last winter. It took a few months to let go of the midcycle freak out. When it was time to go back, I freaked out and asked DH for more time.

    A month after that freak out I found out I was pregnant. I miscarried shortly thereafter, but it was the first time in almost three years that we’d had a spontaneous BFP. We had terribly timed sex that month. Seriously, wonders never cease.

    I hope the mental counting takes a rest and you are able to live your life on your terms, not IF’s.

  11. I have no idea what cycle day I’m on but that’s only a fairly recent development the past year or more. The best way to get there is to stay busy with other non-baby related activities. Easier said than done, though…

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