I keep starting blog entries, and then deleting them after a paragraph.
I really don’t know what to write about. I wanted to explain the decision-making process that we went through, but it ended up looking like:
Too much stress + desire for new job + husband wanted to stop = no more treatment
Insightful, huh? Because it really was that simple. I’m tired of being stressed out over school and work and treatments and life, I want to start looking for a new job in a few months, which means I can’t get pg now anyway, and Manly wanted to stop treatment. So we are. I don’t know if that would ever be helpful to anyone else making this decision.
Which leaves me here with a blog to fill, and I don’t know what to fill it with. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to start a new space, because I want women who come after me to be able to see that life does go on. I want this to be a place like the ones I visited that prove you can have a happy and fulfilled life without children. But how do you do that? I can’t say that I’m “over” wanting a child, because I’m not. I still desperately want to have a child grow in my belly. But that desire is now outweighed by other desires: to grow in my career, to remodel my house, to make love to my husband just for fun, to be free of the anxiety and fear and anger that TTC causes. How do I explain that each day is going to be a choice between things that I want in my life, and that TTC is now getting voted off the island, so to speak?
I know what I am going to do now. I’m going to cook. I’m going to plant flowers. I’m going to cross-stitch. I’m going to master the digital camera. I’m going to buy furniture. I’m going to paint the guest room. I’m going to read. I’m going to be a loving aunt, and a good friend. I’m going to curl into my husband’s body and enjoy the smell of his skin. I’m going to be here, cheering you all on from the stands.
Is that going to be enough? Is it really enough to just live, and be happy about it? And more selfishly, are you all going to still come by if that’s all I write about?