Transitioning, II.

I keep starting blog entries, and then deleting them after a paragraph.

I really don’t know what to write about.  I wanted to explain the decision-making process that we went through, but it ended up looking like:

Too much stress + desire for new job + husband wanted to stop = no more treatment

Insightful, huh?  Because it really was that simple.  I’m tired of being stressed out over school and work and treatments and life, I want to start looking for a new job in a few months, which means I can’t get pg now anyway, and Manly wanted to stop treatment.  So we are.  I don’t know if that would ever be helpful to anyone else making this decision. 

Which leaves me here with a blog to fill, and I don’t know what to fill it with.  I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to start a new space, because I want women who come after me to be able to see that life does go onI want this to be a place like the ones I visited that prove you can have a happy and fulfilled life without children.  But how do you do that?  I can’t say that I’m “over” wanting a child, because I’m not.  I still desperately want to have a child grow in my belly.  But that desire is now outweighed by other desires: to grow in my career, to remodel my house, to make love to my husband just for fun, to be free of the anxiety and fear and anger that TTC causes.  How do I explain that each day is going to be a choice between things that I want in my life, and that TTC is now getting voted off the island, so to speak?

I know what I am going to do now.  I’m going to cook.  I’m going to plant flowers.  I’m going to cross-stitch.   I’m going to master the digital camera.  I’m going to buy furniture.  I’m going to paint the guest room.  I’m going to read.  I’m going to be a loving aunt, and a good friend.  I’m going to curl into my husband’s body and enjoy the smell of his skin.  I’m going to be here, cheering you all on from the stands. 

Is that going to be enough?  Is it really enough to just live, and be happy about it?  And more selfishly, are you all going to still come by if that’s all I write about?


18 thoughts on “Transitioning, II.

  1. YES.i’m absolutely going to receive new reipes you’ve tried, and planting/gardening techniques and to praise you for the great stitch work, your graduation, getting a new job, losing a few more pounds, telling funny life stories ..Write on my friend ..write on

  2. Thank you 🙂 The header picture is actually one that I took of a bin full of scarecrows. Since I can change it now, you should be seeing my efforts at photography more often.

  3. Yes, I will absolutely still be visiting! Sharah, regardless of whether you or not you are TTC, you are a good writer with a unique perspective. You have also been a supportive fellow IF’er and I am sure that I speak for many of us when I say that there is nothing more that we would like to do than support you now.

  4. Ha ha! You can’t get rid of me that easily! Hey, I’m up for going out for a cup of coffee and helping paint that room. I can escape and we can giggle and laugh (and even talk about non-Lucky or IF related things!)

    I can’t wait to see more pictures from that camera of yours!

  5. As others here have said, you’re a very interesting and talented person on a variety of levels which will keep us coming back time and again.

    And personally, I’m touched beyond words that you’ve singled me out as an evidence of life without children that is happy and fulfilled. In fact, I’m going to get to work on a post about that so I don’t take up more than my fair share of space on your blog! You have a beautiful life waiting for you in every sense of the word, and I for one, look forward to reading about it here!

  6. I will be here!!! I like to read what you have to say. You are in a different place, but still deserve the support for your future endeavors.

    I know I don’t comment much…and get behind…but I do read…eventually.

  7. De-lurking to say please keep on writing! People need to know that there is a fulfilling life to be had beyond infertility treatment & children. They need to know that it’s not a matter of not wanting it enough or not trying hard enough. It’s more like, how long can you beat your head against a brick wall in the road before you decide you need to find a new path to take? (At least that’s how it felt for me.) Glad to have your voice out there!

  8. Absolutely, I want to keep reading! We want to know what’s going on with YOU, whatever that may be. I want to see your pictures and your cross-stitch projects, and I want to know if you pass that dreaded exam! (11 days left! Ack!)

  9. When I’m not hiding in my depressive cave, I promise to stop by and see what life looks like over here! (Hopefully I won’t be in that cave for TOO long.)

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