Culmination

This weekend was a culmination of a whole lot of the stress in my life.  I suppose the last few weeks were just the crescendo leading up to the main event.  The bottom line is that decisions were made, and I’m at peace for the first time in a long time.  Happy?  Eh, not necessarily.  But peace, yes. 

I heard someone say once that the sign of a good decision is that all the parties involved end up equally unhappy.  With that in mind, we’ve decided to take an indefinite break from treatment.  Minimum three months, but more likely it will end up being 6- to 12-months.  Or maybe a permanent break.  Not sure yet.  I’m staying on the metformin, and we’re not preventing, but we will not be moving forward with IUI or IVF in the foreseeable future.  Manly is concerned about me and the amount of stress I’ve been under, and has been thinking about stopping for “a while now”.  After the beginning of next year, I’m going to start looking for a new job, so we will take some time off after that for me to get my feet on the ground.  At some point in the future, we will probably try again, but for now it’s just not in the cards.  I believe that my exact words were that, “I reserve the right to change my mind and try again in the future.”

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with this blog.  There’s no way I can continue to blog about TTC and treatments and maintain my sanity, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable moving on to assume the child-free mantle either.  I have friends who are still trying and commitments to the community in general (game day, the braces bunch, being a clicker for Mel) so I’m not closing down shop, but please understand that the content will be different. 

I don’t really know how to end this post.  We all want to see infertile stories end up with happy endings wrapped around successful treatment or surprise pregnancies or loving adoptions, but the truth is that is doesn’t always work out that way.  And when it doesn’t work out, it really, really sucks.  All the guilt and the unhappiness and the anger doesn’t go away; it’s always going to be there.

Maybe this is the best way to end this: I became an aunt on Saturday morning.  I got to hold my new niece just after she returned to her parents.  She’s beautiful, she’s perfect, and I wish to God that I had one of my own just like her.  But I don’t.  And I don’t know if I ever will.

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11 thoughts on “Culmination

  1. Oh Sharah, I’m sorry that it’s come to this. I wish you were holding your baby in your arms this very minute. I will pray that this break brings you the peace and healing you are looking for.

  2. I don’t know what to say. I hope you keep blogging about whatever you want because I’d be sad to see you go. And of course I hope a happy ending for you, too.

    Just one teeny thing: taking a break, even an indefinite and possibly permanent one doesn’t automatically give you the mantle of child-free. It leaves you in suspension and you can make of that whatever you wish. Make it beautiful, Sharah. I know you will.

  3. As you have been there for me, I’ll be here as well. You don’t have to blog about infertility or TTC. Do what feels right for now and know that for any one of us, including you, that can change at a moment’s notice.

  4. This is such a huge decision that you and Manly have made. I won’t say that I am so happy for you, or sorry, because it is neither. Making these type of decisions are simply unfair and hurtful.

    You and Manly are both in my thoughts, and know that I will continue to anxiously await your next post. Whether it is ttc related or not is not what matters. You are not defined by ttc. You define you and those of us that read your words want to hear what matters the most to you.

  5. Well, I feel like I need to weigh in here with a few positives. My two nieces and nephews think their auntie (aka me) simply rocks. I get all the benefits of their sweet little faces and joyful exclamations whenever we arrive for a visit and get to leave before their meltdowns. I also get to indulge in spontaneous adventures with my dh, long and lazy afternoons reading, napping and shopping when the spirit moves me and the comfortable knowledge that I can retire sooner without the burden of college tuitions or other financial obligations…

    This is my long winded way of saying that while I reserve most of my blog time to discussing the challenges associated with infertility that’s because in addition to venting, I feel the need to educate the many fertiles who visit, too.

    There are many good things to look forward to in your life regardless of how long the break lasts. You can turn your blog into whatever you care to write about. As one no longer pursuing treatment, I firmly believe here’s still much we can both learn and offer in the way of support. Here’s to you Sharah!

  6. You better not dissapear on us locals! Dang it! I don’t care if you are backpacking in Zimbabwe, you better stick around with us. How selfish is that? Yeah, what can I say, we just love ya’!

    I’m glad you have a direction, a path, an agreement, etc. I hope this frees up some emotional space for you to use elsewhere. Does that make sense?

    I hope you continue to write, becaues you make me laugh. I also hope you continue to come to our dinners. Call me. I’m always available to listen.

  7. I’m so sorry Sharah, even if you are at peace with your decision, I know you must also be very sad to imagine giving up this dream. I also wish that all infertility stories had an ending that involved a baby, but I know they do not. It doesn’t mean you won’t live a satisfying and happy life, but I know it doesn’t feel that way now.

    I have enjoyed reading your blog and will continue to be here to read it, but I can understand also if you need to take a blog break as you sort through your feelings and move on to new territory.

  8. Sharah, there is life outside and inside TTC. I am here to support you whenever you find time and energy to blog about wat ever you feel you need to blog about! Praying for Blessings to you

  9. Oh Sharah love, this post broke my heart 😦

    i wish I had a magic wand to magic away your pain with a baby of our own, I know how hard it is, I feel so for you.

    You need to do what you feel is best, not what we want, and I’d love you to stick around, obviously, I’d miss you, but if a break is what you feel is best, maybe for the time being, there are many blogs out there dealing with life after infertility, I have some listed on my blog. They don’t always talk about TTC and it seems to help them get through it.

    Just trying to help, probably not, but you’re words really touched me and I wish I could give you a big ole hug to make it better.

    Take care my love

    XXX

  10. I am so late reading this, but did want to respond. I think that is very good of you to feel at peace with your decision to discontinue treatments for now….however long that is. I envy the fact that you realized that it was the time to do that. Emotions do take a huge role in making these decisions and I like you get wrapped up in there.

    I wish you the best and will continue to keep up with you TTC or not.

  11. I truly hope you can find peace over the next few months–or however long you decide to stay away from IF treatments. I’m glad you feel really comfortable with your decision as a couple.

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