Limbo, Party of One.

So I guess you’re all waiting on pins and needles for me to announce our decision, right?  Well, maybe not.  But that’s a good thing — because we haven’t made a decision yet.  In fact, we haven’t even discussed our options. 

I’ve been considering how all of you wise ladies have been urging me to take a break for forever.  Given the intense, get-it-done-now, don’t stop nature of my personality, I’ve shrugged those suggestions off.  But now that I’m sitting here in the middle of a forced break, without any idea of what CD I am, I am able to see the value in the idea.  Our anniversary is this week, our niece is due next week, and then we hit the holidays.  I have two classes that I’m holding down, and I’m cramming for my licensing exam at the end of the month.  Oh, and then there’s that whole job thing that I try to work in every now and then as well.  Dropping the treatments off my plate for a few months would probably be very good for me.  Especially since I read Dianne’s post this morning (I’m a little late) and realized that I was actually feeling a little jealous that she was going to get to try out the child-free life for a year.

I haven’t enjoyed infertility treatment.  For me, it was like being thrown in deep, ice-cold water: here it is, this is your reality, you have to face it and start swimming or you’ll end up drowning.  When Dr. Local told me that we have a 3-4% chance of conceiving on our own, it made me want to break down in his office.  I don’t want to be here.  I don’t want to be doing this.  And I think that’s what is really pushing me towards taking a break for a few months.  If we’re not trying, then we’re not failing, right?  If we’re not cycling, then there’s no way I’ll get pg, so I won’t have to feel bad about it.  At least, that’s the way I’ve twisted the situation in my mind.  I’m so close to the emotions that I really can’t tell when I’m being rational any more.

So the current leading option, for me anyway, is to take a three-month break, lose some weight, and focus on my work for a while.  But given the contrary nature of my husband, I have no idea whether he’ll agree with that or not.  We’ll have to see; but you’ll know as soon as I do, I promise.

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13 thoughts on “Limbo, Party of One.

  1. I’m not here to influence you either way or to stress you out. I think breaks are absolutely necessary when you’re feeling pushed to the wall. I took a few myself.

    Now here’s my one teensy reminder as the savvy veteran…if you’re thinking about further treatments a year may be a bit on the long side since egg quality doesn’t improve with age. Damn I hate being the one to sound like an f’ing alarm clock.

  2. Sharah – I think this is an excellent post. and my o my, how do you manage all of that on one plate I could take some organizational skill classes from you.

  3. Sometimes a break just feels so *good.* Sarge and I haven’t tried since February. I still hate being barren and I’m still in a lot of pain over my infertility but oh, I have NOT missed trying at all. Good luck with whatever you decide.

  4. I admire your mental toughness underneath the weight of IF. I hope that whatever you and your husband decide works for the both of you and it allows for peace of mind.

  5. Honestly, I know its easy for me to say, but a breaks are really beneficial in my opinion. In a way, I credit that to being knocked up, BUT, of course if you go into it thinking that maybe it’ll happen “naturally”, it wont work, will it 🙂

    Take the time for yourself, spend time together, really forget about baby making. I’m a firm believer in taking breaks in between cycles, just look how many I took since last year, most of them I had to (so Mr A. could up his count) but I’m glad I did.

    Thinking of you in whatever you decide. HUGS

    XXX

  6. We’ve taken breaks too. You need to recharge your batteries every once in a while. The manufacturer doesn’t splurge and load us with Energizers. Nope, they go for the el cheapos.

    I hope that you and Manly can agree to what you both need. (I’m guessing he needs a break.) In fact, I’m guessing he probably misses you.

    If you want to talk, cause you know I love to talk, give me a buzz. I don’t care if you just repeat yourself a thousand times. I’ll listen.

    Becky

  7. I think it’s important to find a balance. You can’t always be cycling, any more than you can always be on break. Given that you’ve done back to back cycles for a long time, and given that you are moving on to different treatment options, a break to recharge makes sense for you. I’ll be interested to see how Manly feels about that idea!

  8. breaks can save your life.
    But know that you can have a break without having to fill it with something- meaning just have a break and maybe don’t beat on yourself to go on a diet too. Being on a break is just as active as not being on one (um, does that make sense?)

    xo

  9. Break sounds like a good idea. When I decided to do that for a few months this past summer, it felt panicky at first, but then I realized that I was breathing, and that it felt good (but I’m a half-baked break-taker anyway because we “tried” DIY anyway).

  10. I’m contemplating taking a break too. I’m just getting so tired of the stress, the daily ultrasounds, everything. But I’m almost 36, and I feel like we need to do this before it becomes even more difficult. You’ve got the luxury of time, take it while you can.

  11. At lunch today my fortune cookie read” may your inner strength guide you to the hard answers you seek”. So I am sharing those thoughts with you. Good Luck!

  12. We took a break. We stopped treatments…we did continue to try naturally and I did continue to take my temperature every day (I can’t stop!), but knowing that our chances to conceive naturally are less than .01%, just having sex is basically a break, right? It did us a world of good, for our relationship as well as individually. Now we are done with our break: on to IVF!

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