So I guess you’re all waiting on pins and needles for me to announce our decision, right? Well, maybe not. But that’s a good thing — because we haven’t made a decision yet. In fact, we haven’t even discussed our options.
I’ve been considering how all of you wise ladies have been urging me to take a break for forever. Given the intense, get-it-done-now, don’t stop nature of my personality, I’ve shrugged those suggestions off. But now that I’m sitting here in the middle of a forced break, without any idea of what CD I am, I am able to see the value in the idea. Our anniversary is this week, our niece is due next week, and then we hit the holidays. I have two classes that I’m holding down, and I’m cramming for my licensing exam at the end of the month. Oh, and then there’s that whole job thing that I try to work in every now and then as well. Dropping the treatments off my plate for a few months would probably be very good for me. Especially since I read Dianne’s post this morning (I’m a little late) and realized that I was actually feeling a little jealous that she was going to get to try out the child-free life for a year.
I haven’t enjoyed infertility treatment. For me, it was like being thrown in deep, ice-cold water: here it is, this is your reality, you have to face it and start swimming or you’ll end up drowning. When Dr. Local told me that we have a 3-4% chance of conceiving on our own, it made me want to break down in his office. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be doing this. And I think that’s what is really pushing me towards taking a break for a few months. If we’re not trying, then we’re not failing, right? If we’re not cycling, then there’s no way I’ll get pg, so I won’t have to feel bad about it. At least, that’s the way I’ve twisted the situation in my mind. I’m so close to the emotions that I really can’t tell when I’m being rational any more.
So the current leading option, for me anyway, is to take a three-month break, lose some weight, and focus on my work for a while. But given the contrary nature of my husband, I have no idea whether he’ll agree with that or not. We’ll have to see; but you’ll know as soon as I do, I promise.