When the Smoke Clears Inside My Head

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this, but I actually hate writing.  Unfortunately for me, writing makes up a lot of my job.  It’s also going to take up much of my time over the next few years as I finish my classes and do my dissertation.  It’s one of the reasons why I am now questioning my career path again.  (Jesus, I get tired of my constant hemming and hawing over what I’m going to do with my life; I don’t know how the rest of you stand me.)  And some of that spills over into this blog.  When I have to do a lot of writing for work or school, I just don’t have it in me by the end of the day to say anything here.  So when I get quiet like this, I hope you guys will just remember this post — there’s nothing wrong, I am just sick of the keyboard and working so farking hard to express my thoughts properly.  Right now I’m working on a big final report, so I’m drained after working on that all day long.

Now that I’ve thoroughly alienated all you dedicated, creative writers out there (*grin*), I’m going to piss everybody else off as well:

I’m currently pondering why I’m trying so hard to get pregnant. 

I know, I know — it’s a little late to be questioning my motives!  But bear with me, please.  Cause I’m not sure where I’m going with this.  I have an unfortunate tendency to get swept up in the tide of doing what I think is important without stopping to reflect on whether it actually is what’s important.  The other day, I was SO worked up about Manly not agreeing to my plan.  Now that I’ve had a few days to cool off and think about the situation with less emotional involvement, I’m not sure that waiting on the IUI is a bad plan.  I’m not sure that taking a few months off from treatment completely is a bad idea either.  Dammit, but I hate admitting when he’s right about something.

I want a child with Manly.  I want to experience pregnancy.  Those are the two big reasons that have been pushing me forward through this journey.  But neither of those reasons is enough to force me to go through all this stress RIGHT NOW.  As in this cycle.  As in while I’m fighting with classes, and work, and licensing, and the looming holiday season.  I don’t have a deadline that I’m working with. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know what I’m going to do now.  I’m tempted to lay out our options and their costs to Manly on 5 sticky notes and just let him pick. 

So calling all advice, assy and otherwise!  Tell me what you would do, or what you think I should do.

P.S. The title is from a song on the mix that the lovely JJ sent the Braces Bunch!  Thank you so much!  That song is more appropriate right now than you could ever know, and I truly appreciate it.

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16 thoughts on “When the Smoke Clears Inside My Head

  1. My assvice is .. do what your insides are telling you. Do what the soundest (is that a word) voice inside your mind/heart are telling you to do. Even if it is not what you are most used to doing. – go with your guy and your gut!

  2. My only advise is to make sure you and Manly are on the same page. Goals, plans, dreams, are easier when the ones you love can help you though them.

  3. I personally really liked taking breaks from TTC – it made me feel a lot more centered. I felt like it’s so easy to get swept up in the hopes for the NEXT cycle that all reason seems to go out the window. I personally couldn’t handle the buildup of emotional stress from doing cycle after cycle after cycle, so breaks were MUCH needed for me.

    I also agree with DD – even meeting Manly halfway is something.

  4. I think you and Manly should try to find the proper balance for the two of you between breaks and cycling. You have done a lot of cycles, some of them back to back, so a break right now might be a much-needed respite. It sounds like you are leaning that way. Follow your heart and I hope you and Manly can come to agreement.

  5. I recognized the title of your post immediately! That is one of my favorite songs of all time–its perfect for how I feel a lot of the time! Glad you like the CD=)

    I totally hear you on this post–and I would never know that you DONT like writing since you do it so well!

    I have had many days since our failed ivf that I wonder, what the hell am I doing, and wonder if Im just too caught up in the journey and not the destination–I am very in tune with your feelings, and I hope that both of us can get the feelings sorted out!

  6. I’m sorry you are questioning where you are in life. It is important though that we do take the time to reflect instead of just going through the motions. I agree with JJ – I’d never know you didn’t like writing! I find that I can be long winded so it is hard for me to condense what I want to say. I just like to talk!

    It is so hard to know what the right path is to choose. I wonder that everyday myself. Should we keep trying with Clomid or should we move onto IVF w/PGD despite the cost? Should we give up and move onto adoption? There is no right answer which makes it so difficult. My assvice is to write out your options, as you suggested. Write out the advantages and disadvantages of each. Like a decision tree. I am a visual learner so this really helps me. Then, you and DH can go through them and see which one you can agree with.

    I wish you all the best in this process.

  7. rock, paper. scissors is really the only way.
    heh
    I think taking a step back is always a good thing. If Manly is needing more time then more time must be needed. I mean it still sucks ass that you guys aren’t on the same page TODAY- but I have every faith that eventually you will be.
    xo

  8. Kristen, I’m arbitrarily awarding you 25 house points for your suggestion of using a decision tree! Because, um, I actually did sit down and work one out (blushing). Hey, I can’t help it, I’m an engineer — it’s in my blood 🙂

  9. it’s so hard to strike a balance where you’re living your own life and TTC at the same time. i hope you and Manly can work out a plan that works for the both of you.

  10. Do what is inside your heart and not what’s in your head. Don’t be afraid to do what ever the choice may be. Personally, I am just taking everything one day at a time and if I get pregnant I will figure out a way to pay for daycare/a nanny and finish my last two years on that damn degree. 🙂 Hang in there. Hope you get the answers you seek.

  11. It’s pretty impossible to NOT TRY even when you don’t WANT to try, because you’ll find yourself trying anyway. Sucks, huh? I know you want this, and it’s hard not to let it consume you. I totally get it.

  12. I’m with DD on the consensus point — so as you get started on the decision tree do be sure that you and Manly are in agreement about what you both can handle, when, why, and how. The rest of the decisions should then flow from there. Wishing you clear thinking and good analysis, which I know you excel at my engineering friend — you’re also a mighty fine writer, too!

  13. Having a clear view of your options can never be a bad thing. Clarity is invaluable during this struggle. I hope that you and Manly find the best possible solution that works for the both of you.

  14. I’m all about taking a break from treatment, at least now, that we’re actually taking that break, anyway. I wasn’t such a big supporter of it when the clinic pushed us into it, but now—I’m so glad we did. We had to take the break for medical reasons, but I feel such a wonderful emotional and spiritual decompression, and I have to believe that will only make me stronger once we finally do return to treatments.

    As busy as you sound right now, maybe a break is just the thing you need to re-energize, and reconnect with Manly.

  15. Taking a break is a necessity sometimes. You have to go with your gut. If you are feeling stressed out, take a break. I have learned not to kick myself when we have bad timing…sometimes it is worth it. Plus then the 2WW doesn’t suck as bad, you can’t fail if you don’t try. 🙂

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