I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this, but I actually hate writing. Unfortunately for me, writing makes up a lot of my job. It’s also going to take up much of my time over the next few years as I finish my classes and do my dissertation. It’s one of the reasons why I am now questioning my career path again. (Jesus, I get tired of my constant hemming and hawing over what I’m going to do with my life; I don’t know how the rest of you stand me.) And some of that spills over into this blog. When I have to do a lot of writing for work or school, I just don’t have it in me by the end of the day to say anything here. So when I get quiet like this, I hope you guys will just remember this post — there’s nothing wrong, I am just sick of the keyboard and working so farking hard to express my thoughts properly. Right now I’m working on a big final report, so I’m drained after working on that all day long.
Now that I’ve thoroughly alienated all you dedicated, creative writers out there (*grin*), I’m going to piss everybody else off as well:
I’m currently pondering why I’m trying so hard to get pregnant.
I know, I know — it’s a little late to be questioning my motives! But bear with me, please. Cause I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I have an unfortunate tendency to get swept up in the tide of doing what I think is important without stopping to reflect on whether it actually is what’s important. The other day, I was SO worked up about Manly not agreeing to my plan. Now that I’ve had a few days to cool off and think about the situation with less emotional involvement, I’m not sure that waiting on the IUI is a bad plan. I’m not sure that taking a few months off from treatment completely is a bad idea either. Dammit, but I hate admitting when he’s right about something.
I want a child with Manly. I want to experience pregnancy. Those are the two big reasons that have been pushing me forward through this journey. But neither of those reasons is enough to force me to go through all this stress RIGHT NOW. As in this cycle. As in while I’m fighting with classes, and work, and licensing, and the looming holiday season. I don’t have a deadline that I’m working with.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I’m tempted to lay out our options and their costs to Manly on 5 sticky notes and just let him pick.
So calling all advice, assy and otherwise! Tell me what you would do, or what you think I should do.
P.S. The title is from a song on the mix that the lovely JJ sent the Braces Bunch! Thank you so much! That song is more appropriate right now than you could ever know, and I truly appreciate it.