So I was emailing Becky this morning, and thought it would probably be a good idea to share what I said with all of you, too.
I’m having a rather sad period in my life right now, as if you didn’t already know that from my recents posts. When I first met with Dr. Local, he was very confident that we would get pg using just oral meds and timed intercourse. I’ll admit now, that even though I didn’t really believe him then, I really wanted to believe him. So I’ve spent the last 7 months trying hard to keep up hope that maybe “this” cycle would be the one. After all, if the Dr. says so, it must be true, right? I have a return visit scheduled for September 18, and I know deep down that he’s going to suggest that we move on to IUI. Like every other infertile in the world, I had always thought that manly and I would conceive a child without any effort, in our own bedroom, together. Now it’s looking like any child we conceive will start out after a lot of effort, in a doctor’s office, with who knows how many people participating. Not what I had envisioned. It doesn’t help that there are a LOT of people I know, on- and off-line, that have struggled, conceived, and already given birth in the time it’s taken us to get to the point of doing an IUI. Because I’m young, I ovulate, and we aren’t dealing with MF, my doctors have wanted to take a very conservative approach with me. And I appreciate that — I don’t want to end up in a high-risk situation with multiple babies or spend a lot of money that we didn’t need to spend. But I still feel like I’m being left behind, that everyone will have babies before I get pg.
The other issue that’s making my life difficult right now is timing. August through December is an ungodly-busy time for me every year, and I’m struggling to keep my head above water. In the next two weeks, I have three back-to-back trips to Birmingham, Irvine, and Detroit. On top of that, I’m taking two classes this fall and I’m studying for my professional licensing test in October. Everytime I turn around, there’s something that has become urgently important while I was dealing with another crisis. That’s all bad enough, but trying to schedule twice a month RE appointments AND be in town when I’m ovulating is making me tear my hair out. If I stay on my normal cycle schedule, I won’t be back in town until CD6 of my next cycle, which is a little too late to start anything. There’s also a chance I’ll also be out of town next month when CD3 rolls around. Compounding my upcoming cycle timing is that I don’t want to cycle during the holidays. I just don’t. But the winter holiday season is the best time for Manly to take off work to participate in the IUI process. So I’m screwed either way.
The last thing that is bothering me is trivial by comparison, but it bothers me nonetheless. I feel fat. I started seeing a personal trainer at the beginning of August, and I have not lost a single solitary pound. Since I triggered on Sunday, I’ve actually gained weight. I know it’s the combination of the hormones and gaining muscle mass, but it makes me feel really bad about myself. Plus I’m always sore from working out now because I’m doing strength and resistance training with muscles that haven’t worked this hard in years. I know it’s good for me, but I’m tired of being tired and sore all the time with no weight loss to show for it.
Anyway, that’s how my life is running at the moment. There are good things happening here and there, but I’m in a funk. I’m sure it will end eventually, but right now it just sucks to be me.