Current Events

So I was emailing Becky this morning, and thought it would probably be a good idea to share what I said with all of you, too.

I’m having a rather sad period in my life right now, as if you didn’t already know that from my recents posts.  When I first met with Dr. Local, he was very confident that we would get pg using just oral meds and timed intercourse.  I’ll admit now, that even though I didn’t really believe him then, I really wanted to believe him.  So I’ve spent the last 7 months trying hard to keep up hope that maybe “this” cycle would be the one.  After all, if the Dr. says so, it must be true, right?  I have a return visit scheduled for September 18, and I know deep down that he’s going to suggest that we move on to IUI.  Like every other infertile in the world, I had always thought that manly and I would conceive a child without any effort, in our own bedroom, together.  Now it’s looking like any child we conceive will start out after a lot of effort, in a doctor’s office, with who knows how many people participating.    Not what I had envisioned.  It doesn’t help that there are a LOT of people I know, on- and off-line, that have struggled, conceived, and already given birth in the time it’s taken us to get to the point of doing an IUI.  Because I’m young, I ovulate, and we aren’t dealing with MF, my doctors have wanted to take a very conservative approach with me.  And I appreciate that — I don’t want to end up in a high-risk situation with multiple babies or spend a lot of money that we didn’t need to spend.  But I still feel like I’m being left behind, that everyone will have babies before I get pg.

The other issue that’s making my life difficult right now is timing.  August through December is an ungodly-busy time for me every year, and I’m struggling to keep my head above water.  In the next two weeks, I have three back-to-back trips to Birmingham, Irvine, and Detroit.  On top of that, I’m taking two classes this fall and I’m studying for my professional licensing test in October.  Everytime I turn around, there’s something that has become urgently important while I was dealing with another crisis.  That’s all bad enough, but trying to schedule twice a month RE appointments AND be in town when I’m ovulating is making me tear my hair out.  If I stay on my normal cycle schedule, I won’t be back in town until CD6 of my next cycle, which is a little too late to start anything.  There’s also a chance I’ll also be out of town next month when CD3 rolls around.  Compounding my upcoming cycle timing is that I don’t want to cycle during the holidays.  I just don’t.  But the winter holiday season is the best time for Manly to take off work to participate in the IUI process.  So I’m screwed either way. 

The last thing that is bothering me is trivial by comparison, but it bothers me nonetheless.  I feel fat.  I started seeing a personal trainer at the beginning of August, and I have not lost a single solitary pound.  Since I triggered on Sunday, I’ve actually gained weight.  I know it’s the combination of the hormones and gaining muscle mass, but it makes me feel really bad about myself.  Plus I’m always sore from working out now because I’m doing strength and resistance training with muscles that haven’t worked this hard in years.  I know it’s good for me, but I’m tired of being tired and sore all the time with no weight loss to show for it.

Anyway, that’s how my life is running at the moment.  There are good things happening here and there, but I’m in a funk.  I’m sure it will end eventually, but right now it just sucks to be me.

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16 thoughts on “Current Events

  1. I don’t have any life changing advice, but I am sorry that you’re in a funk. Funks are hard to deal with when everything seems to come at you all at once from different directions. I’ll be thinking about you.

  2. I’m sorry life is putting you in its vise grips. A little assvice for you . . .maybe just take it one day at a time. If the cycle timing works out, great. If not, then you have given yourself a much needed break. Don’t worry about the holidays . . . you can decide then if you want to cycle or not. It will be ok.

  3. Funks happen. I understand where you are coming from about the scheduling angst. What I have noticed is that whatever I try to do, I somehow always come up with a schedule that is less than optimal, or else something unexpected has occurred that throws off the best-laid plans I think Kami is right, try to take it in smaller chunks, see where you are mid-September, then make your plans.

  4. What a load you are carrying right now. Funks are so blah..that is the best word for them-they come on without warning, and there is no telling how long they last. I just wish some peace of mind for you–I can nod my head to a lot of things you said. I definitely feel fat after doing the IVF cycle–and feeling good about myself keeps me out of funks, so I need to be proactive on that! Thats great that you have a personal trainer-just take it one day at a time-results will come in inches lost and weight loss–you are gaining muscle too. -end of sermon- =) Thinking of you Sharah….save travels to you too!

  5. Life is what it is, isn’t it? Not that that helps you any, but at the same time trust me that nobody’s life goes as planned. You’ll make it through this and harder times. And we’re all here praying for you!

    As for losing weight, I’ve read that the soreness in your muscles is a sign that water is rushing to the tiny tears you’ve created, which could lose to a gain on the scale. Once that soreness goes away you’ll probably see the needle drop. So keep at it!

  6. I am lighting a candle for you today. I hope that you can see the brightness and feel the warmth from it, and know that I am thinking of you at this moment.

    Hoping for far better days ahead…

  7. You’ve captured a very difficult aspect of infertility — letting go of the innocent hope that the least of invasive treatments will get us to the finish line. Even though we all know people who’ve had to rely on the most extreme measures with teams of experts monitoring our every move none of us wants to believe we’ll have to step up to the next degree of scientific involvement.

    The emotional acceptance takes time, adds a new dimension of stress and offers up plenty of opportunity for funkdom. I lived in denial for a long time in the early days because I couldn’t stomach the idea of turning into a science experiment. We all face different degrees of physical difficulty and mine was pretty complicated. I hope your situation is one that can spontaneously surprise and remove any need to contemplate the next level of treatment.

  8. Oh sweetie I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. So often it just seems that cycles get planned for the worst possible time of year. For my IUIs I was on the contraceptive pill for about 10 days before starting stimulation and that changed the timing and meant that I actually started at a completely different time to what I was expecting. Is there any way they can delay you by a few days? Or that you could do the blood tests in the town where you are?

    I can relate to the fat bit as well. I’m sorry, that really sucks. Maybe now you are off the pills your body will find its balance again and you’ll lose some weight? And then you have to start on the next cycle … oh, ain’t life grand? Sending you moral support over the internet.

  9. The good news is you’re gaining muscles as well as losing fat, so it’s normal you won’t see results just yet from training. Try measuring tape to see progress instead.

    Sorry things are rough. Hope things get better.

  10. Funks suck. And I’m so sorry you are in one. I’m hoping that in time things fall into place. And I get you on the “feeling fat” thing– and during funks … no matter what…. it is always worse. Sending you hugs.

  11. The fact that you have a personal trainer is GREAT, even if the numbers on the scale don’t come down, you are doing something good for your body and exercise is truly one of the best ways to get out of a funk. Try to keep it up even if you feel tired and sore. I am sorry that things are not going as you had hoped…I guess with IF we all have to try to roll with the punches. I came to terms with the science route (vs. “natural”) pretty recently after long months of false hope. It was super hard to accept at first, but now we have accepted it and we are excited to forge ahead…it will just take some time. And once you have a baby in your arms, how she or he came to be here won’t matter one bit!

  12. I’m sorry you are feeling like you are right now. I truly hope this cycle is successful for you. It is so hard to deal with how infertility creates havoc on our minds, emotions, and bodies.

    Pax,

    MLO

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