Nothing.

There were points yesterday when I thought I was going to cry, but didn’t.  There have been moments today when I thought I was going to cry, but haven’t.  I’m not happy.  I’m not so much sad right now as I am angry and bitter.  I’m tired.  Tired of waiting, tired of hoping, tired of wanting, tired of being happy for everyone else, tired of being left behind. 

26 months since I took my last pill.  20 ovulatory cycles.  I’ve never had a positive pg test. 

The hope is what hurts so much.  The excitement, the giddiness all day Sunday as I dared to imagine that maybe, maybe, this might be the cycle that worked.  Then blood.  Just a drop.  A hint of pink.  And feeling my dreams come crashing down around my shoulders.  Still a breath of hope, maybe it will stop, maybe it won’t get stronger, maybe it will just go away.  Don’t tell Manly, let him hope a little while longer, you don’t want to look foolish if you really are pg.  But even hope won’t turn back the tide.

I didn’t give my SIL that duck.  I kept it for myself, tucked it into the drawer where the blanket lives.  It’s mine.

I want to go away for a while.  I don’t want to be the strong one anymore, the one who always has it together, the dependable one, the reliable one.  I want someone else to hold me up, to let me cry on their shoulder.  To take care of things for me so that I can sit by the ocean and stare at the waves.  What fucking use is this saved time off if I’m never going to use for mat. leave anyway?  Why shouldn’t I sit on the beach instead?

I’m so tired.  I don’t want to do this anymore.

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20 thoughts on “Nothing.

  1. I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad. I wish that this cycle had gone differently. 26 cycles is a lot of cycles to wait through, all with negative results. Feel free to cry on my electronic shoulder.

  2. I want to send you my shoulder via USPS … or internet.. or however it could get it there faster ..UPS, FedEX, DHL? Sharah I am so understanding your words. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Just allow yoyrself to just BE. I am wishing and hoping that Manly is also being gentle and kind to you also!! hugs girl – you are in my thoughts

  3. I don’t know what to say Sharah to help ease that crappy feeling. Every CD1 is supposed to be a beginning, but for those who face infertility it signifies an end to something that could have been beautiful. I know that feeling of wondering will this be the day I just say no more. And even if we do, tomorrow may be the day that says, I’m not giving up. We have to allow ourselves that time and even though time can be an evil bastard, it can also be a salve.

  4. Sharah, I am so, so sorry. It is just hard. No two ways about this. Only you know how far you are willing to go. Nobody else. I wish there were a way to make it better.

    Pax,

    MLO

  5. I am really sorry. The defeat of a cycle has no comparison. Sending hope, prayers, and Love your way. “When we can no longer run we crawl, when we can no longer crawl we ask a friend to help carry us.You are amongst friends here. Hang in there.

  6. I know you’re tired, and I know it looks like there’s no end in sight right now. If you can, disconnect from all of this for a month, take a break. You need to recharge your batteries, recover yourself and remember why you’re doing this in the first place. I’m wishing you peace, my friend.

  7. My god, I could totally feel the raw emotion in your words. Went right to my heart. Definitely have been there myself. Still go there all the time. I am so, so sorry.

    Take care of yourself… and enjoy the duck! I love that you kept it. I would’ve done the same.

  8. I’m sorry that you are in this place right now. IF gets so old, and it feels like a fifty ton weight at times. I hope that there is light for you at the end of this dark season, and that you can feel hopeful again very soon. Sending a virtual hug your way…

  9. Those words ring more true to me than I care to admit. I know that there are others out there in the same situation, but that doesn’t ever make me feel better. Hopefully you can take some comfort from us and remember, what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. Hugs…

  10. Im tired right there with you…..we need a long hibernation, dont you think? Then we could just miraculously wake up pregnant!? Hugs…

  11. I saw a link to your post on Stirrup Queens and decided to stop by. I am new to the IF blogosphere, and it is like a whole universe has just opened up to me that was right in front of my eyes. I am so sorry for your disappointment. I am sad that so many of us have to go through this. It seems like the prevalent theme is the hope/crush rollercoaster that we all go through each month. I too have never had a positive pg test. I have told myself to give up many times, but I don’t know how. I just hope that I can find peace, no matter where this journey leads me. I hope the same for you and all the other worthy, wonderful women that want to become mothers. Take care, be good to yourself.

  12. I’m new to your blog, but your words touched my heart. I’m so sorry for your pain and heartache, month after month. I know what a drain this struggle is, every failed cycle, every dashed hope, it takes such a toll. I’ve been trying to bring home baby #1 for over 3 years. Made it close once, half way there, but no cigar… Lost him at 21 weeks, just when I (finally) dared to think it could really happen for us… there is no peace in knowing that I was pg once, no happy ending, and no more bfps… my dream seems even further away today… it’s true life can be so cruel sometimes. All of these amazing women out there longing to become mothers. No one can know this journey unless they’ve been down this road. Here’s hoping we all find our way…

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