At 15dpo.

The weather matches my mood this morning.  It’s gray and overcast, threatening rain.  I temped when I got up this morning, and although it’s high, I don’t think it’s high enough.  I’m pretty sure that I’m on the downhill slope of the end of my cycle.  I was cramping in the car on the ride to work.  I’ve been eating ice cream for dinner.  I know my body, and I’m just waiting to start bleeding now.   This cycle is over for me. 

I never collected any baby items when we started TTC.  I was suspicious from the very beginning that we might have problems — intuition, I suppose.  I’m more superstitious that I like to let on, and I always believed that filling my house with tiny clothes and toys was tempting fate.  There is one baby blanket that I bought, and I keep it as a token, a symbol of my faith that one day we will have a child to wrap up in it.  It’s nothing fancy, nothing expensive.  Just simple printed fleece that I bought at the grocery store, of all places.  But it helps.  On days like today, when a cycle is ending and the feeling of failure threatens to swallow me up, I can pull it out and hold it.  Most of the time it stays put away, hidden in a drawer.  But this morning, it’s laying across my guest bed, waiting for me.  I can only believe that there’s a child somewhere in the future waiting for me too.


14 thoughts on “At 15dpo.

  1. I think the blanket is a wonderful symobol of faith and comfort for days like these. I think you will have a baby to wrap in it and I hope that day comes soon.

  2. looking at your blanket there made my eyes well up. it’s lovely, and a wonderful symbol of hope. i’m glad you have it, because you will surely need it one day.

  3. I still have a box full of baby clothes and stuff I don’t think I’ll ever give away. Never give up on hoping. Hold on to your hope: for ever and then one more day 🙂

  4. I hope you are wrong about AF…but the one thing I have learned is that we know our bodies better than anyone. I think your blanket is a great symbol of faith…way to go girl!!!

  5. Sharah,

    Not only I am not giving up hope, but I think you have some interesting info. 15dpo (even if it doesn’t last) means that something might have worked.

    Are you going to get a beta and a progesterone level? I know, maybe this is something you don’t even want to think about, but maybe you just need some extra progesterone support, and it might be worth finding that out so your next cycle will work better.

    Hang on this weekend. I’ll be thinking about you.

  6. I’ve got my eyes squinted shut really tight, have jammed my fingers in my ears, and am stamping my feet — all in an effort to pretend like I don’t hear the tone of defeat in your post. I hope, wish, and pray that your intuition is wrong. Either way, we are here for you.

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