The weather matches my mood this morning. It’s gray and overcast, threatening rain. I temped when I got up this morning, and although it’s high, I don’t think it’s high enough. I’m pretty sure that I’m on the downhill slope of the end of my cycle. I was cramping in the car on the ride to work. I’ve been eating ice cream for dinner. I know my body, and I’m just waiting to start bleeding now. This cycle is over for me.
I never collected any baby items when we started TTC. I was suspicious from the very beginning that we might have problems — intuition, I suppose. I’m more superstitious that I like to let on, and I always believed that filling my house with tiny clothes and toys was tempting fate. There is one baby blanket that I bought, and I keep it as a token, a symbol of my faith that one day we will have a child to wrap up in it. It’s nothing fancy, nothing expensive. Just simple printed fleece that I bought at the grocery store, of all places. But it helps. On days like today, when a cycle is ending and the feeling of failure threatens to swallow me up, I can pull it out and hold it. Most of the time it stays put away, hidden in a drawer. But this morning, it’s laying across my guest bed, waiting for me. I can only believe that there’s a child somewhere in the future waiting for me too.