I’m feeling a little off-kilter today.  Part of it, I’m sure, is the outcome of the HSG yesterday.  I was expecting to come out of there with either a completely normal result, or with the certainty that something was indeed wrong.  Leaving the office with an inconclusive result was not something I was prepared for; honestly, I didn’t ever acknowledge to myself that it was even possible to not get a straight answer.  What happened just kind of blindsided me and that has left me feeling a little unsure of myself.  If this cycle doesn’t work, I’m giving some serious consideration to taking a break and re-grouping, sitting down with Dr. Local and voicing my concerns. 

(By the way, if you’re thinking about watching Children of Men after getting inconclusive HSG results because it’s what Netflix sent and you feel compelled to watch it while you have time since your husband isn’t interested in it — don’t.  Learn from my mistake.)

The other thing that’s throwing me off is, and don’t laugh at me here, myspace.  I’ve gotten back in touch with some of the girls I knew in grade school recently, and it’s just odd seeing how all of our lives turned out.  Of the three that I’ve “talked” with, they’re all married, all have multiple children, and are all working in low-skilled, minimum wage jobs.  And here I am, married, infertile, still in grad school, agonizing over whether it would be better for me to jump to a private contracting firm or stay where I am.  It frightens me to think that I could be in that same situation if I hadn’t managed to scholarship my way to an engineering degree.  And they all want to know what I’m up to these days.  How on earth could I just jump into infertility, inconclusive HSGs, and emotional turmoil (which is what I really am up to) with these women that I haven’t seen or spoken to in over 10 years? So instead I dash off some light-hearted note about school and work which, even though it’s technically true, makes me feel like I’m lying to them. 

The feeling of not knowing what to do next, of not being able to control my life, of not being able to get what I want if I just work harder, is new to me.  I don’t like it.  And it’s starting to spill over into the parts of my life that shouldn’t be affected by IF.  That bothers me.  So far, I’ve been able to keep IF from poisoning (most of) the rest of my life, and I don’t want this feeling of powerlessness to pervade my entire existence.  Because it’s not true.  I am not powerless.


9 thoughts on “Unsettled

  1. You definately aren’t powerless and you have done a great job in doing what you need to in life. I honestly wouldn’t feel comfortable in jumping into that personal of information with your newly regained friends right now either. ((HUGS))

  2. Great reminder–we are not powerless–You are doing a great job of hanging tough through everything. Just keep up the positive outlook!

  3. I wish I could go over there and sit next to you and just laugh. Not the ha ha funny laugh, but the laugh that carries a thousand emotions and tears that have been shoved to the bottom of our hearts kind. You and I are stubborn women. We take life by the horns and are hell bent on not letting something take us down. I can see it in your eyes. You walked out after that HSG, and I wanted to hug you. However, I know me, and hugging can very easily equal tears. No tears in public lobbies. So, I stood there, and hated what infertility brings into our lives.

    Sharah, I can honestly say that infertility doesn’t define you. You are so bright and shiny, and your smile lights up the room. You are a unique combination of brains, bravery, and beauty. So, you keep that chin up, and know that you don’t always have to be strong. You have friends out here that are here for you. Just say when….

  4. Sharah, my dear, you are being too hard on yourself. As I see it, you have done the smart thing by taking a tandem approach. You are putting both your great intellect and your body to work right now. You’re using your power to pursue all of your dreams. None of us knows what’s in store for us, but this I am certain, when you have children you will be in a position to offer them a well-rounded and fullfilled mother. That’s a great gift…

  5. It does seem that everyone around us is getting their dreams while we sit still watching the world go by waiting for the next blood test / ultrasound.

    We are so much more than the sum of our parts, so much more than what we think we are. And so much more than just infertility or any other disease we cope with.



  6. Or, you (and the rest of us, too), could look at all of this in a different way: We don’t yet know what the future brings. It’s exciting, and scary, and full of limitless possibilities. Those women you went to grade school with–their lives aren’t very flexible. They will struggle in their minimum-wage jobs to raise their children, wonder whether it would ever be feasible to gain more education so they could make a living wage, and occasionally wonder what they could have become if they didn’t have children right away. Then they will feel guilty for feeling “stuck” and try to numb themselves with work around the house.

    It sure doesn’t feel like it at times, but we IF-ers have SO MUCH to look forward to!

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