I’m feeling a little off-kilter today. Part of it, I’m sure, is the outcome of the HSG yesterday. I was expecting to come out of there with either a completely normal result, or with the certainty that something was indeed wrong. Leaving the office with an inconclusive result was not something I was prepared for; honestly, I didn’t ever acknowledge to myself that it was even possible to not get a straight answer. What happened just kind of blindsided me and that has left me feeling a little unsure of myself. If this cycle doesn’t work, I’m giving some serious consideration to taking a break and re-grouping, sitting down with Dr. Local and voicing my concerns.
(By the way, if you’re thinking about watching Children of Men after getting inconclusive HSG results because it’s what Netflix sent and you feel compelled to watch it while you have time since your husband isn’t interested in it — don’t. Learn from my mistake.)
The other thing that’s throwing me off is, and don’t laugh at me here, myspace. I’ve gotten back in touch with some of the girls I knew in grade school recently, and it’s just odd seeing how all of our lives turned out. Of the three that I’ve “talked” with, they’re all married, all have multiple children, and are all working in low-skilled, minimum wage jobs. And here I am, married, infertile, still in grad school, agonizing over whether it would be better for me to jump to a private contracting firm or stay where I am. It frightens me to think that I could be in that same situation if I hadn’t managed to scholarship my way to an engineering degree. And they all want to know what I’m up to these days. How on earth could I just jump into infertility, inconclusive HSGs, and emotional turmoil (which is what I really am up to) with these women that I haven’t seen or spoken to in over 10 years? So instead I dash off some light-hearted note about school and work which, even though it’s technically true, makes me feel like I’m lying to them.
The feeling of not knowing what to do next, of not being able to control my life, of not being able to get what I want if I just work harder, is new to me. I don’t like it. And it’s starting to spill over into the parts of my life that shouldn’t be affected by IF. That bothers me. So far, I’ve been able to keep IF from poisoning (most of) the rest of my life, and I don’t want this feeling of powerlessness to pervade my entire existence. Because it’s not true. I am not powerless.