Interrupting myself,

There’s still at least one more Q&A post and the “I Am” meme from teamwinks to go in this series of distractions, but I need to get something out.  This weekend was bad.  Well, on the surface it went perfectly well, but in the sense of “I’m infertile and some days just cause me pain”, it was bad.  Two things really stand out:

1) Saturday night, we celebrated Cinco de Mayo at a friend’s house.  Despite the whole 2ww thing, I decided to go ahead and drink.  And of course, after a margarita lightly flavored glass of tequila, my SIL busts out the fact that they are pretty sure they’re having a girl — complete with a strip of ultrasound pictures.  Ouch.  But I’m cool with that; I really am happy for them, and I’m looking forward to getting a little niece this fall.  What really hurt was when BIL walked up and sat down while SIL and I were discussing something baby.  He said, “I know Manly’s really excited, are you?”  Honestly, I was a little taken aback.  You know how your voice changes when you’re trying to be diplomatic to a fertile while inside you want to ask what the fuck is wrong with you, asking me that?  I managed to get out a “I’m excited for you guys” in that tone of voice.  He must have caught the edge in my voice, because he said, “No, I meant for yourself – are you excited about having kids?”  Great.  Now I’m tearing up, because I could really have done without thinking about that.  So I said, “After two years, I really don’t think it will ever happen.” And turned back to my SIL and started up with conversation with her again.  Was I polite as I could have been?  No.   Does I like my BIL and know he cares for me? Yes.  Could I have that conversation at a party, surrounded by people who don’t know, at midnight on Saturday after I’ve been drinking? Absolutely not.  It turned out that one of the other girls who was there heard us, and she asked later that night, but it turned out okay.  She asked if we’d been trying, and then followed up by asking if we had gone to a fertility clinic.  I gave her the we’ve been trying, now we’re under treatment, there’s nothing wrong with either of us, we’re not at IVF yet spiel, and we let it go at that.  I guess all’s well that ends well, but it hurt a surprising amount since I wasn’t prepared for it.

2) I cleaned out my guest bedroom yesterday.  As I was going through my extra linens, I found my grandmother’s handkerchief that I wore pinned inside my petticoat at my wedding as my “something old”.  And I realized that I might never have a daughter who would wear it at her wedding.  Following #1 the night before, it was like a knife in my heart. 

As of today I’m just feeling sad.  Not anger, not jealousy, just sadness that this is my lot in life.  I wish to God it wasn’t, but there’s nothing I can do about it.


PS – Will be gone tomorrow and Wednesday (and possibly Thursday) for work.  Will post tomorrow night after the session. 

11 thoughts on “Interrupting myself,

  1. I am sorry that you are feeling sad today. I am also sorry that you have to deal with people who don’t understand what you are going through and even though they may make an attempt, miss the fact that there is an appropriate time and place. I will hold your hope for you today.

  2. This sound like one for the books. Are all in laws such complete boneheads? Sigh…

    Some bloggers have found a fun way to vent about this. DD at TKO more or less, pointed me to a lovely space where we can all complain about horrible stories like this. Sweetie, you are NOT alone.


  3. I’m not sure how well I would have made it through those two things either. You in town this weekend? Email me, and perhaps we could get together…I’ll help you drown some sorrows!

    PS: My mom says she’s sending you a big ‘ol hug!

  4. Yep, that’s definitely a sucky weekend. I’m really glad you said what you did to your BIL, though–sometimes people have to be a bit taken aback to learn they should be more sensitive. I would imagine he won’t be asking you about kids again any time soon.

    I wish we could somehow temporarily remove ourselves from everything baby. That’s why I love hanging out with our single friends; they’re not even thinking babies right now.

  5. So sorry about the crappy weekend, honey. You never kow when and where the IF demons are going to appear.
    You are not alone.. moments like you had with your hankerchief hit me all the time. I think that’s the worst part of IF- thinking about what we might not have way in the future…

  6. People are so dumb sometimes…they just don’t think. I for the life of me will never understand why someone–especially someone who cares for you!–would think it’s perfectly okay to talk about something as deeply painful and private as infertility in the middle of a margarita party. Hello? Gah.

    I’m sending you hugs.


  7. I hear you, my friend. My SIL just announced that she’s having twins – naturally-occurring, it doesn’t run in anyone’s family, identical girl twins. When they’re born, she will have managed to have three kids in the time we’ve taken (so far) to try to have one. It hurts my heart.

    And I’m trying to remember that she has no point of reference for my pain. And that’s why she keeps f*cking up when she has to deal with it.

    Sending you a virtual hug, Sharah. I hope your week is better than your weekend.

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