There’s still at least one more Q&A post and the “I Am” meme from teamwinks to go in this series of distractions, but I need to get something out. This weekend was bad. Well, on the surface it went perfectly well, but in the sense of “I’m infertile and some days just cause me pain”, it was bad. Two things really stand out:
1) Saturday night, we celebrated Cinco de Mayo at a friend’s house. Despite the whole 2ww thing, I decided to go ahead and drink. And of course, after a
margarita lightly flavored glass of tequila, my SIL busts out the fact that they are pretty sure they’re having a girl — complete with a strip of ultrasound pictures. Ouch. But I’m cool with that; I really am happy for them, and I’m looking forward to getting a little niece this fall. What really hurt was when BIL walked up and sat down while SIL and I were discussing something baby. He said, “I know Manly’s really excited, are you?” Honestly, I was a little taken aback. You know how your voice changes when you’re trying to be diplomatic to a fertile while inside you want to ask what the fuck is wrong with you, asking me that? I managed to get out a “I’m excited for you guys” in that tone of voice. He must have caught the edge in my voice, because he said, “No, I meant for yourself – are you excited about having kids?” Great. Now I’m tearing up, because I could really have done without thinking about that. So I said, “After two years, I really don’t think it will ever happen.” And turned back to my SIL and started up with conversation with her again. Was I polite as I could have been? No. Does I like my BIL and know he cares for me? Yes. Could I have that conversation at a party, surrounded by people who don’t know, at midnight on Saturday after I’ve been drinking? Absolutely not. It turned out that one of the other girls who was there heard us, and she asked later that night, but it turned out okay. She asked if we’d been trying, and then followed up by asking if we had gone to a fertility clinic. I gave her the we’ve been trying, now we’re under treatment, there’s nothing wrong with either of us, we’re not at IVF yet spiel, and we let it go at that. I guess all’s well that ends well, but it hurt a surprising amount since I wasn’t prepared for it.
2) I cleaned out my guest bedroom yesterday. As I was going through my extra linens, I found my grandmother’s handkerchief that I wore pinned inside my petticoat at my wedding as my “something old”. And I realized that I might never have a daughter who would wear it at her wedding. Following #1 the night before, it was like a knife in my heart.
As of today I’m just feeling sad. Not anger, not jealousy, just sadness that this is my lot in life. I wish to God it wasn’t, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
PS – Will be gone tomorrow and Wednesday (and possibly Thursday) for work. Will post tomorrow night after the session.