Another day, another morning at the RE’s office. Sigh. You know, I’m thinking I might have to turn in my Stirrup-Queen’s badge of honor, because I have been totally disinterested in this process. I know that Nurse ES showed me one large follicle ready to go, but there were a slew of smaller ones and I didn’t ask for details. I really don’t even know how large the one that’s “ready to go” actually is. She’ll call this afternoon, and I’ll most likely trigger tonight.
I’ve been very surprised at my own response to going through treatment lately. I have, admittedly, a Type A control freak kind of personality. But when it comes to this cycle, and the idea of cycling in general, I’ve been very meh, whatever about it. The other day, Mel mentioned how IF drains your emotional reserves. I think that that is part of what I have going on right now. I just don’t have enough energy to be emotionally invested in this cycle. In fact, I was daydreaming about taking a break the other day. I know, taking a break after three cycles, I’m such a wuss! But last cycle was filled with such high highs and low lows, and it took a lot more out of me than I realized at the time. This morning, Nurse ES asked if we were doing IUI this cycle. When we got straightened out that I am not, she mentioned that after two more unsuccessful cycles on femara, we would probably move to that. But if two more cycles don’t work, we will actually be taking a break for a little while — I won’t be able to keep up this pace straight into IUI’s.
I commented over at Serenity’s the other day that I’ve been trying to follow the practice of mindfulness. The exact words I used were “…to try to be as fully in the moment as I can at all times, so that I can enjoy the good things I have even if I don’t have all that I want.” For me, that has meant that Manly and I have been spending more quality time together: going out to dinner, going to the movies, this weekend we’re going to spend a day watching superbike racing. I have also been ‘treating’ myself to stuff I normally wouldn’t: smelly lotions, bottles and bottles of wine, new clothes, stuff for the house. All these things, both large and small, bring joy and happiness, contentment, comfort. I am truly trying to enjoy everything that my life has to offer at the moment, to live life to the hilt. It hit me this morning that I’ve been doing all this to try to counterbalance how much cycling is draining my reserve.
It’s another two-edged blade of IF; I’m learning how to be happy with what I do have, but at the same time, it shows exactly what I’m missing.