Another Secret

I’m going to share a little secret with you guys. 

Last Friday night, Manly and I went to dinner and then to see a movie.  We went to see The 300, which was so completely worth the $16 for tickets that I would pay it again.  Total and complete eye-candy, let me assure you.  That King Leonidas — yummy.  Ahem, back to the story.  We sat down in the theatre and cuddled together.  As the lights came down, I thought to myself

“I wonder what it would feel like if I was pg right now.” 

And slowly, I let down that wall in my mind.  I gave myself permission to believe, if only for a little while, that I was pg.  I let myself think about the tiny new life growing in my belly.  I let myself curl into my husband’s body, confident that we had created a new life together, that we were parents.  For just a little while, there was no doubt in my mind that I was pg and that in nine months we would have a squirmy little bundle of happiness.

You know what?  It felt good.  It felt beyond good.  It felt like I was surrounded by a glow of love and light and happiness.  I felt radiant, triumphant.  I felt no fear, no worry, no anxiety or tension.  I wasn’t able to keep it up for long; my IF reflex to protect my heart against pain kicked in by the time the movie was over.  But for a short few hours I was able to let go.  I remembered exactly what I’m fighting for, and why it’s so important. 

I needed that.

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6 thoughts on “Another Secret

  1. Ahhhhh that must have felt so wonderful…I hope very soon you get to drop the IF reflex and really feel the love and happiness it brought.

  2. I’ve allowed myself that guilty pleasure as well. If I was even half close to imagining/creating the state of mind accurately than it must be exceptionally special when it truly is happening. I hope that you’re able to experience it firsthand very soon…

  3. Great post…I think it’s so easy to lose sight of what we’re all going through this for, and you’ve put it into perspective.

    A few months ago I got a false BFP, and before I found out it was false, I was the happiest girl on the planet. It was hard finding out it was really a BFN, but after that I really commited to pursuing IF treatments, just to get a piece of those precious few hours where I thought I was PG.

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