On Coming Out

I outed my fertility problems to a friend of mine at work this morning.  I wasn’t meaning to; we were having a serious closed-door discussion of our options on whether to stay or go from our positions (he will be finishing his PhD in a few semesters).  Somehow things came around to children and how his are impacting his decision, and I ended up telling him what was going on since it will directly impact my ability to stay or leave.

I kid you not, he managed to get in the whole trifecta of assvice in about 20 minutes: you can always adopt, it’s in God’s time, and it will happen for you. 

But he counterbalanced it by at the same time: asking if I had seen a doctor, asking if Manly had been tested, and asking if they knew what the problem was.

This is a man who’s not-quite-old-enough to be my father.  He has friends who dealt with primary IF (2 years) and secondary IF (11 years), even though he and his wife did not.  And I think that’s why the assvice didn’t bother me.  I knew he truly cared about me and truly believed what he was saying; it wasn’t a throw-away “I’m uncomfortable and want to change the subject” response.  I’m really glad I told him, because now I think he’ll be able to help me make a better decision in a few months on where to go.  And now if I do get pg, I won’t have to hide the fact from him. 

I think the whole conversation managed to prove one giant thing for me: it’s not necessarily the words that someone uses, but their motivation behind the response that matters.  Sure, I could go back and do some IF-education with him, but I don’t feel like I have to.  In the future, I know I could have a frank discussion with him about my options if I needed to, and that’s what really made me feel better.  The empathy and acceptance that I have a problem, and it’s causing me pain.  Why can’t all fertiles be like that?

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4 thoughts on “On Coming Out

  1. Ahhh, yes, the motivation and the intent make a difference, plus of course, the experience with it…I know they do for me.

    Good for you for coming out!

  2. Congrats on opening the closet and stepping right out! One of things about IF that makes me absolutely bat-shit insane is this feeling that you have to hide it, talk about it in whispers, pretend that it’s not happening. That is bullshit.

    And this fertile did have experience with IF – it wasn’t his own, but friends had gone through it and he went through it with them by being their friend. Plus he probably has the “chip.”

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