“We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the learner. Now, *I* am the master.”

I am walking on sunshine right now — I just completed my Master’s!  (And we watch way too much Star Wars at the house, if you hadn’t already figured that out.)

Days like today, I wonder whether the struggle to get pg is worth it all.  When I think about how much work it was to complete this degree, and then think about doing this again (with a PhD) with kids, I wonder whether I’m out of my mind.  I was thinking about my future this morning, and I know I want to advance my career.  But how can I go into another company with no track record and ask for all the time and flexibility I need to handle bi-weekly doctor’s appointments?  If I go that route, it’s entirely possible that we would have to suspend treatment for months, if not years.  And then you have the advantages of living without children: sleeping in on the weekends, leaving for the weekend, going out to dinner on a whim, the money to spend as we please, etc.  Those things all have their appeal.  I really do wonder, how much of this am I willing to go through?  How much am I willing to give up to have a child?  How much is this worth to me?

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7 thoughts on ““We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the learner. Now, *I* am the master.”

  1. Congratulations! I’m thrilled for you.

    As to your question, that’s one I’ve been thinking about myself. Just how long am I willing to go before I get tired of being sad and feeling broken and shift my efforts to something else that might actually make me happy? Who knows? I guess I’ll know when I reach that point.

    Can’t wait to get together next week!

  2. First, congrats!

    Secondly, I have secretly thought those same thoughts lately–but I was afriad to even acknowledge them. How much more fun would our summer vacation be if I wasn’t pregnant? How much more traveling could we do? How would it feel to have much more disposable income? But, I am afraid that the universe will hear me and punish me by not letting me have a child. I feel like I need to add “but I want a child more than anything”– but at what price?
    I am regularly disturbed by the amount of guilt TTC/child-rearing creates.

  3. Congratulations on your master’s. That’s a wonderful accomplishment. : )

    The breaking point for us came in a very sad, honest conversation. I said I wanted to stop soon, my husband said he was already there, we looked at each other and I said “Then we’ll stop.” I just could not keep going with the ups and downs and being so freaking sad all the time. Right now we are considering other options but I find myself feeling the most invigorated by the idea of being childfree. It’s challenging, though. It’s hard when others criticize me for not being ready to do whatever it takes to become a parent. I try to remind myself that most of us, when we started TTC, did not anticipate infertility. I didn’t sign up for boxes of needles, $14K medical bills, loads of paperwork, etc. The game has completely changed, so I think it’s only fair to consider whether I truly “owe” it to myself or anyone to follow through.

    Anyway. I wish you the best of luck in whatever comes your way or whatever road you take!

  4. Well, I’m a bad person to ask because I have sacrificed a chunk of my career TTC, be pregnant, raise kids, etc. and the little buggers still cause problems even after they are born, gah…

    But is it worth it?

    YES!! YES!!! Everytime, I get a good report card, or hear a knock-knock joke or get a big sloppy kiss, it is worth it. Every painful test, every racked up credit card, every blank space on my resume, totally freakin’ worth it.

    If I never have another child, I’ll be 49 when my youngest goes to college. I’ll have 30 more years to travel around and spend money and vacation.

    On the practical side, remember, at the clinic, you are the client, insist on early morning appointments for tests/monitoring. Line ups at my place start at 6:00 am, and go until 9:30-10:00. People are in and out and run off to work, with no one the wiser. I don’t know if your clinic is like this, but try and ask.

    I just know that when you have no kids yet, it can seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but the light is there, really.

  5. I just had to come back and say that I did not see Ellen’s comment when I pressed publish and I’m sorry! I was just trying to be inspirational….

  6. That’s a question we all ask ourselves, and only you can answer it. Take your time, talk to your other half, think about it really hard, and then go for it (whatever “it” is). And reserve the right to change your mind at some point.

  7. Yay, yay, yay! Good for you! Extremely exciting. You must do something fun to celebrate. You certainly deserve it. 🙂

    Ahhhh…life-questions. Aren’t they wonderful?

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