Uncle! Jeebus, uncle!

Guess who’s pregnant? That’s right, SIL-X! 

And guess who got a big fucking not-just-no-but-hell-no-you’re-not-pregnant this morning at 15dpo?

I’m trying really, really hard not to just break down in tears today.  I just keep thinking back to Sunday night when SIL-X bounced in with ultrasound pictures as an announcement.  She told me that she knew at the end of January, which means they only took three months, maybe four.  But then, then!, she mentioned that she waited until Valentine’s Day to tell BIL-X!  How the fuck do you keep your pregnancy a secret from your husband for two weeks?  Did he not notice?  And she only got an ultrasound on Friday at the 8 1/2 week mark, and he didn’t go!  I know, I know — that’s how normal people get pregant, that’s how normal people act, but it just blows my mind at this point. 

She told me alone, and I managed to keep it together and congratulate her and ask all the right questions.  At least until BIL-X and Manly walked in.  And I’ll tell y’all now, this is why I love my husband.  After congratulating his brother, the first thing he said was “Are you all right?”, talking to me.  And of course, he killed my Infertility Oscar dreams right then because I had to look away and blink back tears.  I kept the tears back all through dinner, but once we were in the car going home I couldn’t anymore.  I ended up spending a fair amount of Sunday night crying (and again, I love my husband because he just held me.  Until about midnight, when he asked how long I was going to keep this up and made me laugh, and then I was able to go to sleep.  And then he called to check on me at work yesterday morning, because hey! did I mention that I was finishing a 10-page research paper and studying for a midterm through all this?)

I will be all right eventually.  I don’t know how, but I will get through this.  At this moment, though, I am not okay.  It just hurts that I’m not pregnant, and it hurts that she is, and it hurts that I can’t be happy for her the way I want to be.  And all those hurts just resonate off each other and make one hurt that’s bigger than any of them would be individually.  So if anybody has a pain-killer that can mend my soul, I would really, really appreciate it right now. 

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10 thoughts on “Uncle! Jeebus, uncle!

  1. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’ve been through it 3 times with 3 seperate SILs. ((((hugs))))

  2. I understand *exactly* how you feel. Even though it’s been 8 years since my BiL’s wife got pregnant the first time, I still remember the feelings. Just awful.

    I’m so sorry.

  3. I am so sorry! And SIL added insult to injury. What a day. Thank goodness you have that man of yours. For more moral support, you might want to check out a new blogger at Baby Moxie, who’s link is on my page. She is also a clomid/IUI girl. I will send you some positive thoughts for your next cycle and your midterm. One foot in front of the other…

  4. Hey, I wouldn’t mind one of those pills myself. I’m sorry it didn’t work out this month. I won’t be home tonight, but I will tomorrow. If you want to chat, just let me know.

    Becky

  5. I’m sorry that you had to deal with the situation involving your SIL. It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive husband who is sensitive to your feelings. When ‘baby bombs’ get dropped on me, I try to refocus my attention on what great parents my husband and I will be someday. It sounds like you and your husband make a great team and will be great parents as well.

  6. I am so sorry. A colleague is pregnant and every time she comes in to the office, I almost feel physically ill. It’s the strongest reaction I have ever got from a pregnancy announcement and I hate it too, I hate that I can’t simply be happy for her. One day this will be over, we will all have passed through it. I wish I could send you a painkiller for your heart. I wish I had a boxful.

    Your husband sounds wonderful, I’m glad he was there for you.

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