Guess who’s pregnant? That’s right, SIL-X!
And guess who got a big fucking not-just-no-but-hell-no-you’re-not-pregnant this morning at 15dpo?
I’m trying really, really hard not to just break down in tears today. I just keep thinking back to Sunday night when SIL-X bounced in with ultrasound pictures as an announcement. She told me that she knew at the end of January, which means they only took three months, maybe four. But then, then!, she mentioned that she waited until Valentine’s Day to tell BIL-X! How the fuck do you keep your pregnancy a secret from your husband for two weeks? Did he not notice? And she only got an ultrasound on Friday at the 8 1/2 week mark, and he didn’t go! I know, I know — that’s how normal people get pregant, that’s how normal people act, but it just blows my mind at this point.
She told me alone, and I managed to keep it together and congratulate her and ask all the right questions. At least until BIL-X and Manly walked in. And I’ll tell y’all now, this is why I love my husband. After congratulating his brother, the first thing he said was “Are you all right?”, talking to me. And of course, he killed my Infertility Oscar dreams right then because I had to look away and blink back tears. I kept the tears back all through dinner, but once we were in the car going home I couldn’t anymore. I ended up spending a fair amount of Sunday night crying (and again, I love my husband because he just held me. Until about midnight, when he asked how long I was going to keep this up and made me laugh, and then I was able to go to sleep. And then he called to check on me at work yesterday morning, because hey! did I mention that I was finishing a 10-page research paper and studying for a midterm through all this?)
I will be all right eventually. I don’t know how, but I will get through this. At this moment, though, I am not okay. It just hurts that I’m not pregnant, and it hurts that she is, and it hurts that I can’t be happy for her the way I want to be. And all those hurts just resonate off each other and make one hurt that’s bigger than any of them would be individually. So if anybody has a pain-killer that can mend my soul, I would really, really appreciate it right now.