Re: Would I really go back?

Teamwinks asked, in response to something that I said in the last post, would I really like to go back to the way I was before I had to deal with infertility.  That’s a very hard question to answer.  There are some good things that have come out of this experience:

• Meeting so many fantastic women through the blogosphere
• Learning that I can survive a lot of shit thrown my way
• The confidence that when I just cannot deal anymore, Manly will be there to pick me up
• A very clear and thought out understanding of why I want children at all
• Actual, real information about my body and how everything works
• A different relationship with God
• The confidence that I can be an advocate for myself with authority figures that would normally intimidate me into silence
• The ability to put my thoughts into words and sentences that communicate how I feel
• Knowing that I can be vulnerable and that I can ask others for help when I need it, rather than feeling like I have to be in control all the time

But there are a lot of things that I could have lived my whole life and never missed:

• Being so brittle that a wrong word or look can send me into tears
• Being made to feel unworthy of having children, just because we’re having to get medical intervention
• The guilt brought on by being unable to tell my mother about our problems because I don’t want to face my father’s I-know-everything-and-you’re-obviously-stupid reaction and I don’t want her to be put in the middle of it.
• Not being able to trust my body
• The fear that I’ll never have the family I want
• The absolute black pain that accompanies the end of each cycle
• Biting back snarky responses because I realize that it’s the pain and anger and misery talking, not me

Some days I feel like the good things outweigh the bad; other days I think I would have figured out all the good things eventually even without dealing with IF.  I guess ultimately, like Bea said, it will be worth it if I get a real live baby out of this ordeal.  But otherwise, it’s going to be hard to see anything other than the pain.