Re: Would I really go back?

Teamwinks asked, in response to something that I said in the last post, would I really like to go back to the way I was before I had to deal with infertility.  That’s a very hard question to answer.  There are some good things that have come out of this experience:

  • Meeting so many fantastic women through the blogosphere
  • Learning that I can survive a lot of shit thrown my way
  • The confidence that when I just cannot deal anymore, Manly will be there to pick me up
  • A very clear and thought out understanding of why I want children at all
  • Actual, real information about my body and how everything works
  • A different relationship with God
  • The confidence that I can be an advocate for myself with authority figures that would normally intimidate me into silence
  • The ability to put my thoughts into words and sentences that communicate how I feel
  • Knowing that I can be vulnerable and that I can ask others for help when I need it, rather than feeling like I have to be in control all the time

But there are a lot of things that I could have lived my whole life and never missed:

  • Being so brittle that a wrong word or look can send me into tears
  • Being made to feel unworthy of having children, just because we’re having to get medical intervention
  • The guilt brought on by being unable to tell my mother about our problems because I don’t want to face my father’s I-know-everything-and-you’re-obviously-stupid reaction and I don’t want her to be put in the middle of it.
  • Not being able to trust my body
  • The fear that I’ll never have the family I want
  • The absolute black pain that accompanies the end of each cycle
  • Biting back snarky responses because I realize that it’s the pain and anger and misery talking, not me

Some days I feel like the good things outweigh the bad; other days I think I would have figured out all the good things eventually even without dealing with IF.  I guess ultimately, like Bea said, it will be worth it if I get a real live baby out of this ordeal.  But otherwise, it’s going to be hard to see anything other than the pain.

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3 thoughts on “Re: Would I really go back?

  1. Why is it that the hardest things in life are the ones that teach us so much? Sometimes I envy those who lead easy lives … they may not be terribly self-actualized, but my guess is that they really don’t care!

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