Larry Niven, a science fiction author, often references what he calls the “Blind Spot” in his books. The Blind Spot is the result of someone looking out into hyperspace, and was described as “… for example, if you were to look out a window into the Blind Spot, the edges of the window would creep together and suddenly there wouldn’t be a window there at all.”*
The idea of the Blind Spot is a pretty accurate description for how I approach pg- and baby-related things these days. Walking through Target, I pass the baby section, and suddenly, it’s just not there anymore. All I can see is the housewares department. If I encounter a pg belly coming in my direction, my eyes just slide away and I cannot physically see it anymore. Those things just do not exist for me.
My own personal Blind Spot has become my way to protect my heart without building walls. I don’t particularly like the person that infertility has caused me to be: shrill, brittle, anxious, short-tempered. And yet, it’s worse when I try to be someone that I’m not, someone that is happy and relaxed about all things pg. I wish there was some way for me to reclaim that peace that I had before we experienced this, but for now, the best I can do is pretend I’m okay.
Maybe if I pretend long enough, one day I’ll get there.
*That’s a paraphrase from one of Niven’s stories in the book Crashlander. I could not find the actual quote last night when I was looking.