Hopefully, the past few days have been like a series marathon — you get to catch up on everything you missed without the agonizing wait for a new episode each week. So perhaps is it more than appropriate that we begin today’s episode with the start of a new cycle. That’s right, the crimson bitch herself has decided to bless this endeavor with her presence.
I hate the day that I get my period each month. Not only is it a clear message from the universe (“No! No babies for you!”), but it is physically exhausting. I have always suffered from cramps on the first day of my flow, from the time I was 11 or 12. Like the whistle of a train you hear before you can see the engine, the pain in my uterus alerts me to the danger of leaving the house without feminine neccessities. Sometimes I get even more lucky, and get cramps the day before I start. This month, I apparently hit the jackpot: cramps yesterday, waves of pain today, and still no more than a few drops of blood to show for it.
But when it starts, dear god, am I ready for it to be over. The first few days of my period could give a slasher flick a run for their money on the gore count. Blood, blood, and more blood. And bloating. And unpleasant alterations to my gastric cycle. There’s also the desire to live off of mint chocolate-chip ice cream and doritoes for a week, but I’m pretty sure that’s a learned behavior. There are some months when I swear that I’m just going to go back on depo just to never have to deal with a menstrual cycle again*. Besides the emotional distress, I just don’t like to contend with the physical unpleasantness that comes with the female reproductive process.
They say women are the ‘weaker’ sex, but I’d love to see any man continue to perform as a functioning adult while bleeding and cramping for three-five days straight. I really do believe that if men had to handle the shit we go through each month, the human race would die out. I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who could do it. And yet, we battle our way through this every month, all in the name of children that we might never have.
‘Weaker’ my ass.
*I was one of those women whose periods disappeared with depo. Of course, I also started getting migraines and had no libido. For me, the convenience of no period is not worth having to deal with the migraines again.