Editor’s note: I’m about ready to break up with wordpress. My lack of posts over the last few days has not been by my choice – the three I’ve put together have all disappeared into the netherworld of wordpress’s user interface. I’ve resorted to writing in word and then copying the post over, so when the font comes out all screwy, I hope you’ll forgive me.
———————————————
I feel like a fraud.
I feel like a fraud because I started femara on Saturday, I’m popping metformin every night, and yet I don’t believe that it’s going to work. I’ve hit the point where I’m just about ready to move on to IUI, simply to be moving forward, to be doing something that might make a difference. I’m ready to have this “infertile situation” dealt with, over, resolved one way or the other. If we’re going to have kids, let’s have them. If not, let me get on with my life. But taking the drugs without any confidence that they’ll do anything makes me feel like an actor in my own life.
I feel like a fraud because I can’t seem to get as worked up over my infertility as I feel I should. It’s not that anyone is pressuring me, but I see how all of you react, how you are upset and angry. And I just can’t seem to get there. I feel like, “Meh, I can’t have babies, so what?” I feel like I should be rending my garments and crying out in anguish, but it’s too much effort with no payoff. I feel like I should feel worse, and because I don’t, I feel guilty on top of it.
I feel like a fraud because for so many years, I didn’t want children. Babies are wonderful, children are wonderful, but I’ve always liked them more when someone else was responsible for changing their diapers and cleaning up their messes. The past few years have given me plenty of time to enjoy my life as my own without the responsibility for anyone else. I like sleeping in. I like having time to do nothing but read a book or sew or watch movies all day. I like having money to buy new clothes and go out to eat and spend on sports cars and granite countertops. I know that when we have kids, much of that is going to go away.
I feel like a fraud because I’m not sure if I actually want to be a parent, but I am sure that I want Manly to be a father. I wonder if I’m the equivalent of those men who have children to make their wife happy without any real desire to parent themselves. One of my biggest fears is that I am too selfishly absorbed in my own desires and that will make me a terrible mother.
I feel like a fraud because this is an infertility blog, and yet I’m sitting here wondering if I actually want to do this after all.
July 17, 2007 at 1:38 pm
ASkings questions like “will i be a good mother” tells me that you will be.. You already understand that there are some people that are not good ..therefore you will do what it takes … This is just like your entry says Fighting the demons – stay strong and know many of us are along for the ride to make it less loney- blessings farah – ps thanks for hte great birthday card – it really brightened my 31 yrs on earth
July 17, 2007 at 2:42 pm
I am sorry that you are having to feel all of this and are questioning your true intentions. You obviously know you best and you have to listen to your heart.
The thoughts that you expressed aren’t foreign, and I have had those myself. I concluded that my thoughts served as a coping mechanism. In the vast depths of infertility sometimes it feels like we will never make it out, and we need to know that there is something else out there and that it will be okay regardless of the outcome.
July 17, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Ditto what Farah said – if you’re asking these questions, then you’ll be a great mom, trust me. It’s the ones that don’t think about it that really, really suck as parents.
And ditto what Courtney said. It’s partly a coping mechanism – someone tells you that you can’t have something so you say: “Feh, I never really wanted it anyway. So there.”
And you’re certainly not a fraud. Every single person out there has asked themselves the same question. And If they say they haven’t, then they’re a liar.
July 17, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I think this is very, very normal and nothing to be too worried about. As my DH says, only the very stupid are not afraid when trying to have kids because it is scary!
Sometimes DH is a wise man – but don’t tell him I said that
.
Pax,
MLO
July 17, 2007 at 7:43 pm
I agree with previous comments. If you got pregnant easily, maybe you would have never questioned your desire. You didn’t and so you wonder if it is worth it and why you wanted it in the first place. I envy your more peaceful view point on IF. Why should I spend my time “rending my garments and crying out in anguish” when I have so much else that is wonderful in my life? Please don’t feel like a fraud about that either – appreciate it if you can. Everyone has different coping skills and life views. You can want something just as much without living in anguish until you get there.
July 17, 2007 at 9:08 pm
I’ve been right where you are right now. Sometimes during this journey I wondered whether I would go through all this just to end up leaving the child motherless because I wouldn’t like being a Mom. I too like my life like it is, and I have teetered back and forth between wanting and not wanting kids.
However, now that I am pregnant I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am looking forward to having a little one to care for and I am already very protective. I’m not saying this will for sure happen for you, but I thought it might help to hear that this seems to be a tiny bit normal.
Maybe not for everyone, but normal nonetheless.
July 18, 2007 at 8:01 am
It’s a tough journey to go through. Sometimes I want to have children so badly that I cry about it, but sometimes after spending time with friends’ kids or hearing about kid problems at work, I think, “glad I don’t have to deal with that.” I don’t want to tell you that you should feel differently, or that you’ll change your mind. It could be that you’re downplaying your feelings to cover up hurt, or it could be that after trying to go through, you’ve decided that it’s may not be for you after all. It sounds like something you and Manly need to discuss openly.
I do think that all people, infertile or not, go through periods of time wondering whether they really want to have kids, probably even after they’ve had them. It’s such a hug commitment, such a hug change, how could you not?
July 18, 2007 at 9:33 am
I completely understand. Sometimes I wonder if my desire for a baby isn’t just driven by societal standards. My husband is ready right. now. It kind of scares me for the future of our relationship to think that we might not ultimately want the same BIG things out of life. I deal with the selfish thing, too, but I guess that immediately goes away when there IS a baby. You become selfish for IT.
But I just don’t know.
July 18, 2007 at 10:30 am
Sharah, I haven’t had someone’s words strike such a chord in me in months, maybe years. I truly feel the exact same way. I know that some may believe it’s simply a defense mechanism, but at least in my case, I simply don’t think it is. I’m just not sure I want “it” badly enough and I, too, feel like a fraud.
July 19, 2007 at 1:02 pm
I can totally relate to what you’ve shared here. The incessant waiting provides too much time to wonder about it all. I sometimes think that by not having kids I have the luxury of too much time in the evenings and on the weekends to fill (time when most other people are feeding, bathing or looking after their kids activities) and so I torture myself with thinking too much about it all. There are times when I’d just love to turn my brain off and just be…
July 19, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Yes, they take up your time and energy, But it really is a short time.
I never believed the people who said that to me before. And now….I feel sad when I drink coffee all alone. I want to do it while talking to my kids. And they just want to leave and go have fun doing other things.
Weird….
July 20, 2007 at 8:18 am
You’re definitely not alone!!! I’m also anti-child before, and am going through IUI now (waiting for results in 2 weeks) and all along, my atitude towards children have always swung like a pendulum… when I see obedient beautiful babies, I’d look on longingly; but meet noisy, rowdy children in the train, I change cabin!!! Yes I’m that extreme – but like you, i too want my husband to be a father, cos I’m confident he will teach him/her well
In the meantime, let’s endure the wait until the final moment….:) take care!