Comments on: Musing

By: mdep

mdep — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:27:34 +0000

I just saw this post for the first time (came from a link on coming2terms). My husband and I decided to adopt early on in our infertility journey. The decision was relatively easy for us. But it simply ISN’T an easy decision for most people. Your post is the most clearly written and honest explanation I have ever read of how the choice to adopt or not is a complicated and difficult one. Thanks for sharing it.

By: Maggie

Maggie — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 15:38:20 +0000

Years ago during my infertility stage, I attended a Resolve convention in Miami and decided I would pursue adopting a child. We had done the fertility drugs but I wasn’t going to continue after almost 6 years of trying. I convinced my husband and we set about using a private FL adoption attorney.

We were successful and joyfully received our newborn daughter — at the hospital — and three years later contacted the same attorney with a request for a son. She matched our desires with another couple who wanted a daughter — and the birthmother gave birth to our son.

Three years later – and 14 years of marriage behind us – we conceived for the first time and had another daughter. I say ‘another’ because our three children are TOTALLY EQUAL in our minds. If for any reason the subject of adoption comes up from outsiders, I may or may not say: Some of my children are adopted, some aren’t.

If adoption becomes an option for you, I can say as a mother I feel so fortunate ALL my children are OUR’S with two ‘born in my heart.’ Keep adoption in mind as a loving possibility. Like ‘Bob’ with his diapers comment — I never went into a nursery at 2am to lovingly quiet my ‘adopted’ baby. PS My children are 26, 23 and 19. Those adopted knew from the time they were youngsters and are proud of their family histories. Three biological families are in my house and it’s a happy place to be. Maggie

By: Bob

Bob — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 12:27:50 +0000

We had about the same experience with infertility. It was hard. My wife and I both experienced the sense of pain and loss, wanting to be parents, seeing friends who are parents but not having our own children.

And then we adopted. That was hard too. We went through multiple arrangements that ultimately fell through (domestic open adoption). We learned the hard way not to get our heart set on a match prematurely.

And then one day our daughter was delivered to our home, age 10 days. We never looked back: we no longer had any time to worry about infertility or whether or not there was a biological connection, we were far too sleep deprived.

Adoption and parenthood have been wonderful experiences so far. And if people wish to say that I’m not “reallY” her father, or that adoption is a “broken experience” — well, all I can say is I really am her father. Both my wife and I have changed far too many diapers, and worked far too many days at home, for her to be NOT our child. Sometimes people need to just butt out of others’ family issues.

By: IF is such a personal journey « Wishing it would get easier

IF is such a personal journey « Wishing it would get easier — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 23:41:05 +0000

[...] IF is such a personal journey June 27, 2007 Filed under: Trying to make sense of things — foreverhopeful @ 5:17 pm I recently read a great post by Pamela Jeanne Coming 2 Terms! which also lead me to a great post by Sharah at Outlandish Notions! [...]

By: Liana

Liana — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 04:21:19 +0000

Not all adoptive relationships are difficult. I have a great relationship with our daughter’s birthmom/firstmom. And our daughter is the light of our lives, helping us recover from all the pain, heartache and loss we suffered on the road to parenthood. I think that adoption is a great answer for many, especially once we get past the hubris of the perfect genetic offspring that we tend to hope for.

By: foreverhopeful

foreverhopeful — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 17:13:43 +0000

I totally relate to this post. IF is such a hard journey that changes us and changes our perspectives. Its truly an individual journey. I understand that importance of having biological dhilren. I’m not against adoption but I don’t think its such a clear cut answer for everyone with IF. Each couple and each journey is unique and I believe things change and we change as we go through the journey. Where we end up is completely different from another person. I actually have a lot ot say about tihs as well and will write my own post on this. But thanks for your honesty. Big hugs to you.

By: Mands

Mands — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 07:03:19 +0000

I am on the verge of IVF, so I am not quite at the end of my fertility journey. However, I never thought I would be staring down the barrel of this gun, and yet, here I am. I have never been pregnant in all 6 years of trying, and I have to face the reality that IVF may not be the end of the road for me.
I have always feared that should I adopt, I would not be able to bond with the child, that my “natural mothering instincts” would not kick in, and that I might not love it like my own.
But when I think about being child-free, that terrifies me more. I don’t think it is a decision that people make easily, but at the end of the day, family is so important to me, and I don’t want to grow old alone. I want a legacy, and children who will love me into my old age. And after seeing my nephews, nieces and godchildren growing up, I think I would be able to love someone elses child very very much.

By: Flicka

Flicka — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 19:33:41 +0000

It took Sarge and I a looong time to agree on adoption. I knew I could love a childn not biologically my own but the idea of not being pregnant ever again, not feeling a baby move inside me EVER…that was a hard one to deal with. And then, just as I thought I’d worked through all that, I met my nephew and saw how much he looks like the family and I had to let go of my biological children all over again. It was hard. It left scars that have healed but will never dissappear.

I have often said that adoption is not the right choice for everyone. It’s a great and beautiful thing. But it’s a broken option and it’s not a good fit for every family any more than having every unwed mother give her child up for adoption. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for not adopting (and I know no one here is doing that; your comments have been lovely.)

By: karenO

karenO — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 15:42:05 +0000

I have a little poster-like block on my wall with the following quote: “Don’t let weeds grow around your dreams.” Thinking about all your options, analyzing, comparing and communication about it is like weeding, keeping the flowerbed clear of weeds. And whenever you’re ready to decide which flowers or shrubs to plant, and HOW to plant them, that’s when you put down the tool you’ve been weeding with and get on with the planting. Don’t give up on your dreams just because other people might think you’re crazy or whatever. Be true to yourself and dream all you want to dream, and keep on weeding!

By: Kami

Kami — Sat, 23 Jun 2007 17:13:02 +0000

A thoughtful post and thoughtful comments. All appreciated and enjoyed.

Most couples think “Hey, let’s have a baby!” And then they do. Most of them never have to think about how much they would give to have a child (in both financial and emotional terms), about how ready they are to actually parent, or about what life really would be like if they chose to live childless

So true! Sometimes it is the bitterness that comes from seeing people achieve parenthood so easily that makes me come undone.

May you be successful with ART and not need to every seriously consider plan C